The Shoulds are always at the top of the list. As natural caretakers, nurturers, planners, home supervisors and connectors, women can feel burdened making sure just about everyone they care about receives their support and love. And giving all that love and care can be exhausting and can feel like a burden as their role is to give and give and give, sometimes thanklessly and often on demand.

Just in the last month this is what women have been up to that I personally know:

• Nursing a husband 24/7 from a surgery.
• Making weekly trips to care for an elderly father who lives alone.
• Planning grocery lists and packing for the entire family in order to go camping, vacationing, or a weekend getaway.
• Preparing classrooms to go back to school and adjusting to virtual teaching as well as preparing their own children to be at home with them.
• Taking care of grandchildren so their parents can get a break.
• Leaving an unhealthy and destructive relationship which results in heartbreak since that was NOT the way it was supposed to go, but having the courage to move on and begin again,
• Women wrestling with the fear that they will not find the love of their life while their biological time clock is ticking away.
• A woman running off to spontaneously marry the love of her life.
• Moms having their adult children tell them you ruined my life while you were raising me or some form of this (this has happened to two good friends, whom I personally know were FABULOUS parents, so this has broken their hearts).
• Women catering more to their husband’s needs now that they have both retired.
• A mother stressed that their single parent daughter who takes care of her special needs child needs their support both emotionally and financially,
• A mom (ok, this is me) working on thousands of pictures taken over the last 45 years that needed to be organized and sorted and put on the cloud to share with her family (a legacy project and who else would do this)?
• Women running their own businesses that are often steps away from failing due to COVID,
• Women following through on often nasty treatments to live longer lives to fight their cancer so they can still be here to care for their kids.
• Women attending to sick spouses who had COVID.
• Women raising young kids 24/7 with little relief since COVID keeps most near home without the typical outlets.

Of course, there are endless situations women are coping with, loving and supporting their families, often being undervalued or even blatantly disrespected from the ones they love the most. However, the women I know look to see where they have created this, where they can place blame on themselves to see if they need to change. The women I know reach out to their girlfriends or professionals for support, and they keep hanging in there, they don’t leave, they don’t stop doing and caring and doing and caring, no matter the weight of their responsibilities, the demands put on them, their own sadness and disappointment when others have walked away or disappointed them. The women I know have endless courage, strength and perspective that keeps them front and center with all the people they care about and care for.

Women are my most favorite people on the planet. They literally keep the world going and if they can move into more influential roles with more power attached, I am quite confident that our world would be a much better place to live in. No doubt about it. I honor all of you and I see you, I respect all you do, and I love who you are.

Gail

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Why is it you are like this animal? What characteristics do you share? Do you spend your time like a tiger fiercely tackling the day? Are you more like a bunny, nibbling on your favorite morsels, resting and at times running off? Are you like a mouse or chipmunk darting here and there, with high energy and sometimes feeling like you are distracted by so many things?  What animal represents you?

Now here is the fun part: Choose the opposite animal. If you tackle the day like a tiger, what if you instead were more like a deer?  If you scurry around like a mouse, what if instead you were like a sloth? How would adopting more of these characteristics benefit you when creating balance in your life?

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When one person in the relationship shifts to another dream or plan, or the couple is under unusual stress and there are fights and struggles to gain ground or to stay closely connected on top of conflict and disappointment the relationship can unravel. As can the dream. the living happily ever after.

As a parent, you know that you love your kids more than your self. You would rather be the one in pain than watch them go through their pain, tears, fear of the future, fear that they will never find love again. If your child has gone through a divorce which also negatively impacts their children, your pain multiplies. As parents, we grieve all the pain our children go through, from a friend being mean to them in their elementary years to their pain as adults facing life’s uncertainties and subsequent hardships and pain.

There is no way out of this for parents. It is a life long journey of celebration for our children’s successes, new beginnings, accomplishments, and who they are as people. And, the flip side is the hurt and pain when our children are hurting and navigating the rough spots, the losses, and the heartbreaks.

If you are a parent you know this journey very well. You feel it in every inch of your mind, body and soul. I know that I am feeling this as I write to you. My daughter is hurting deeply and I hurt deeply for her. My pain is not as intense as hers. my pain is not first hand, suffering myself from the breakup. It is her pain, her facing the downs in life that is currently her reality. However, it is a shared pain, it is like when a glass spills and the liquid touches many surfaces as it spreads.  .And because of our deep love for our kids, we will be part of the cleanup.  We will do everything in our power to be sure their cup is filled again as our children set out again to fulfill their dreams of happily ever after.

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I received the book Untamed, by Glennon Doyle in the mail and I have no idea who sent me this beautiful gift. (If you did please let me know so I can say THANK YOU, this is such a beautiful book). Every page is yummy! I wanted to share this brilliant nugget with you below as this is something I teach and believe strongly in when working with women.

I’ve seen what happens out in the world and inside our relationships when women stay numb, obedient, quiet and small. Selfless women make for an efficient society but not a beautiful, true or just one. When women lose themselves, this world loses its way. We do not need more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world’s expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves. What we need are women who are full of themselves. A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done. She lets the rest burn. (Glennon Doyle, Untamed)

Where did all your beliefs about who you are, what you can achieve and the roles you are supposed to play in life come from? EVERYWHERE! Your parents, childhood, advertising, friends, co-workers, social media to name a few. When you show up every day expressing who you are, what matters to you, what brings you joy, you are then living a life of integrity and contribution. And, creating that space in your life immediately creates space for others to do the same. It’s a win-win.

Stay tuned for my newest class: High Functioning Relationships: the Five Absolutely Essential Steps to Even More Connection, Fun and Happiness! 5 one hour classes via zoom beginning July 7th. (email me at gail@gailmanahan.com for more info and to enroll)!

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When the shelter in place order began, I felt called to offer an online support group for women as it was something, I could contribute during this scary time for so many of us. And now 9 weeks later I have “paused” the group as my summer schedule is changing and it was time. Here is what I learned:

Once again women show up when it comes to sharing what is truly going on with them. Trust was built in this group within the first meeting. When the women signed up for the group, they had no idea who  would be in the group. They risked their comfort zone, and when they risked going outside of their comfort zone, they stepped into the area of learning. And, what these women learned was that kindred spirits were present, that every one of the women contributed their own strength, wisdom, vulnerability and courage to the group.

I love working with women of all ages and journeys. I learn from every one of them every time. My own heart and spirit fill up as they so beautifully share the truth about their lives. Some of these women live alone having lost their spouses, some are fully engaged in raising children, some are teachers not only teaching online at home but raising their own kids. Some struggle with heartache from conflict with their children,  some are struggling with ill health, all are missing their previous lifestyles before the virus and wondering about the future. And, of course, there are the usual more frivolous conversations such as the need for hair appointments, mani-pedis and the increased consumption of food and alcohol. These women, from across the age groups, with similar and very different life journeys all show up, contribute and strengthen each other.

There wasn’t one person in that group who shared something I could not relate to. Every person, everything they shared was relatable and valuable. And, yet every one of those women questioned if what they said was rambling, or took up too much time, or wasn’t the right thing to share, or maybe they could have shared it better. Women and low self-esteem. Women who doubt their wisdom and their value. It is an epidemic.  I experience these women so differently than how they see themselves. I see their beauty, their generous hearts, their vast competence and their tremendous strength.

Isn’t it time you gave up your self-doubt, your clinging to an image of yourself as not good enough, or less than, or that somehow you are never going to get this right? Isn’t it time that you realize that being who you are right now is enough and just by being here now, you positively impact your friends and family and contribute to what is good in the world? Consider not wasting another precious moment of your life doubting your value. Instead, reach out today and see how you can empower those around you to see the beauty and goodness in themselves. It is a win-win.

If you are interested in being a part of the next groups (limited 7 per group) please email me at gail@gailmanahan.com

The post I Just Completed An Amazing Women’s Group and Here Is What I learned appeared first on Gail A. Manahan.

Remember SHORT TERM PAIN=LONG TERM GAIN. This is not fun by any means;  staying home, not socializing and not being fully back in our lives. But, listening to the medical personnel PLEADING with us all to stay home, this is short term pain for all of us. However, they know more than anyone what is actually happening, the sick, the dying, those who make it. So, yes, this is not fun and it is restricting, especially income wise for those who have lost their income,  But, staying home will result in long term gain for all of us, or for all who are fortunate enough to live through this pandemic.

Hang in there, this too shall pass, it really really will.

If I can help you out, let me know!

Gail

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And, of course, there are, always people who are much much worse off than any of us.  I am personally fortunate during this time that our household income has not dropped, but several of my friends have lost their businesses and jobs within a few days and their incomes. Some of my other friends already have a serious llfe and death illness they were struggling with before all of us were looking a life or death illness in the eye. People living in poverty all over the world have few or no medical resources available every day of their lives or adequate shelter or access to food. Many families are living in active war zones. Ok, ok you get the picture… we have all lived pretty good lives here in the US, even with this virus we have so much to be grateful for no matter our life circumstances.

If you wake up feeling frustrated about all the new restrictions, step back and see a bigger picture, there are so many people all over the world who are suffering so much more than you. That may not give you comfort,  the scope of suffering in the world. But, it should at least give you the perspective that things can always be worse and that you have lots to be grateful for as there are many great things going on in your own life even with this pandemic changing all of our lives.

It is an especially good time to be more empathetic and sympathetic for the plight of those less fortunate. And, pro-active when it comes to helping each other out when we can. This is not a time to dwell on the fact you can’t get your Starbucks fix, take your kids to the park or hang out with your friends and family. This too shall pass. It really really will.

Look to re-frame your situation/issue/problem to find a way to cope and to have some relief. You always have this choice available.

To your health and happiness,

Gail

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While  the virus is changing everyone’s lives my re-frame for today is “It’s a great day to be alive if you or anyone you care about is virus free!’

When my cousin died at the age of 17, his mom said “If money can fix it, it’s not a problem.” This has stuck with me when I am most stressed. Think about this, what can money fix? And, what can’t it fix? This was one of the best re-frames I had heard, and it applies to our lives now. Losing income, our way of life can all be fixed once the virus has passed and life goes back to normal. But, losing people we love, that is something money can not fix. And, that indeed is a problem.

We can keep ourselves safe, we do have the ability to stay home and use good hygiene. And, if your work is an essential service or you are a medical worker your risks go up so good hygiene is what you can do to lower your risk.  For me today even though being home is getting a bit tedious, “It’s a great day to be alive because I am virus free as are my loved ones at this moment.” I hope this is your situation, also.

Love to hear your re-frames!

Gail

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Changing our “state” helps shake off what we might be worried about. You can change your state by simply calling or texting a friend, watching an inspirational Youtube video, or reading a book, listening to music or a podcast Basically, re-directing your body and your mind away from what it is fixated on.

A walk is one of the most nourishing and simple activities you can engage in to reduce stress and change your state of mind. Being out and about (especially if the sun is out) reminds you of the beauty in the world, of seeing and hearing children play,  the variety of dogs and owners you pass by,  the friends in conversation as they walk past you, different storefronts, the beauty of the blue skies and the green grass and spring flowers beginning to bloom. And, being out in the fresh air is refreshing and your body loves to walk, it is so good for your blood circulation and getting oxygen to your body and mind. It really is a natural high.

If your life is so busy that walking is out of the question, see if you can squeeze it in before work, at lunch or after work, (especially with daylight savings time).  The return in value will be worth it!

Taking a walk helps you change your state, nudging you to remember all of the positives in life and relieves you from tunnel vision which can easily hijack your entire Being, especially in times with this amount of stress.  It always works for me, and I suspect it will work for you, too.

To Your Health and Well-Being,

Gail

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