![Connecting is the Reason for the Season]()
Dec 1, 2019
Holidays are a time of connection with family and friends at a more accelerated rate than our normal pace. We connect at the Thanksgiving Dinner table, at holiday office parties, with cards and gifts. with that extra phone call to friends or family at a distance. This connecting can be good for the soul as well as stressful as some of our relationships are complicated or even painful. The holidays, much like weddings and funerals, can put us into contact with people we typically don’t hang with or even go out of our way to avoid. All of this adds up to more emotional uptime, more situations to cope with and that leads to stress. (And, that extra connection to our wallets can also create added stress on top of everything else).
The worst part of the holidays is for those of us who have lost the people we love the most. Grieving the loss of our closest family members and friends during this season can be excruciatingly painful. Being alone without them to share in the hustle and bustle, the decorating, their presence at parties and at the traditions once shared, is a deep soul pain. An ache that finds its home in the heart while the media pushes and promotes only the joy of the season. All of us will face this grief during the Holidays at some point in our lives. Many of you are already coping with the loss of those you deeply love and miss. This can be the most difficult time of the year for so many. This is normal, and this too shall pass, though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
No one knows what our lives will be like next year at this time. So much can change in a year. All we have is the present, this moment, this season. Even with grief and loss, there can be the silver lining, the taking stock of the blessings we do have in our lives, our family and friends who support us and encourage us when life shows us its ugly side. There is always something to cling to when grief is overwhelming. All of us will have stress and suffering, and the holidays intensify our grief. Reach out for support as needed, let people know you are hurting and need some extra attention. This is not a time to isolate, it is a time to reach out and ask for connection, your friends and family will respond as it is in our nature to want to help each other. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your friends and family should be initiating contact with you. You know that this time of year is busy for all, so they may not have you on the top of their minds. Instead, reach out to them and ask for their time, to be included, to have some extra support. There is courage in being vulnerable and asking for some extra care and love. And, you provide your family and friends with the opportunity to care for you, to open their hearts to help you out. This connection, this give and take with those we love is what heals and sustains us through the ups and downs of our lives. It is the most important part of our lives. As humans, nothing matters more than our attachment and connection to others.
I am grateful for you and the connection we share. I wish you the strength to reach out and be connected to those you love during this hyper-accelerated time of year.
![Connecting is the Reason for the Season]()
Nov 1, 2019
Many of us are programmed from early childhood to achieve and to succeed. How many times do we ask children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Just ask any Senior in high school how many times they are asked, “What are you going to do after high school? Did you choose a career?” We are programmed to achieve and often pressured to excel to have a competitive edge over everyone else. This type of social conditioning can manifest into perfectionist thinking. Perfectionist thinking results in setting personal goals that often cannot be achieved all the time. And, what do we think of ourselves when we don’t achieve our goals? We think less of ourselves, we feel shame, maybe embarrassment and we can feel guilty. Our self-esteem can plummet and our self-talk can beat us up. For women especially, think of your relationship with the bathroom scales as a prime example of struggling to achieve perfection.
A far healthier option is to strive for progress, not perfection. Progress can be measured with a mindset that witnesses success AND falling short. Progress says to oneself; I am working on my health, I wm working on improving my career path by going to school, learning new skills, asking for a promotion. having a great work ethic, etc. Progress says; I am a work in progress, I will never reach perfection, as no one can or does. But, every day that I wake up I can progress in being a better person, spouse, parent, friend, or employee. I may end up taking a few steps back, however, I have made progress.
Another example of this is the mindset of recovery–people count the days of sobriety but then beat themselves up when they relapse. They even go so far as saying this has wiped out all those days living alcohol/drug-free. This is perfection in action. Progress is celebrating every day you were living a sober life and then acknowledging you took some steps backward from your goal of clean living. Progress is motion, learning, regrouping and getting back on the horse.
Personally, I strive to eat a meatless diet. My goal is to fight the incredible inhumane and cruel industry of raising animals for food by not using my consumer dollars for eating animal products as food. I, also, believe it is healthier for my body to focus on plants first and to avoid consuming any meat or poultry, eggs, and dairy. I have a very strong belief and commitment to that goal. And, there are times I find myself choosing meat or dairy, I choose those with my eyes wide open. I make the choice even when it goes against my primary belief system. Does this negate all the days I was meat-free? Does it make me a fraud? Maybe from a perfectionist perspective, it does. But, from a progress perspective, I am succeeding 90% of the time when i make a non-animal food choice. That is progress. That is not perfection.
Take a look at the areas in your life that you strive for perfection. Wouldn’t it serve you to instead strive for progress? To embrace and celebrate every moment your choices line up with your goals instead of focusing on the times you don’t reach the mark you set? No one is perfect, you know this, isn’t it time you change your thinking and, perhaps, even the expectations you put onto others? Love to hear how this applies to you!
Oct 11, 2019
“There is only one law in the Universe that never changes-that all things change, and that all things are impermanent.”**
I have been navigating my own impermanence, as my life in the last few weeks has been teaching me this one often joyful and often tragic lesson. Life is a series of ups and downs, nothing stays the same, we change, our circumstances change. We are challenged to embrace these changes, accept the reality of the ebb and flow and find peace and relief no matter our circumstances. In the past few weeks, I have been with one of my best girlfriends as she buried her mother after a long bout of caring for her mom. I received news of a family friend whose husband, a young father of 3 children (under 4 years old), took his own life, so unexpectedly, leaving so many unanswered questions, unbearable pain and struggle for those who love him. And, I am now coping with the illness of my 90-year-old father, his struggle to beat his illness to live a few more years, and his desire to go now, as coping with his illness wears him down. My parent’s marriage of over 60 years and my mom’s devotion to my dad demonstrates love and compassion in real-time. Sometimes life just sucks, especially when we all realize that we are impermanent, as are our current circumstances.
But, joy is, also, included with impermanence. Think of all the times you are relieved when something you are coping with changes for the better? Perhaps, it is a rocky relationship that works out beautifully or your sick child who recovers back to their normal self. Or your financial stresses are resolved because you got the call that offered you the job you wanted. Perhaps, that test you took at the doctor’s office showed that all is well.
Changes to our current situation, this one today as you are reading this will change. The one thing we can lean on through all of this impermanence is compassion. It always shows up from those who surround you with love and care during your toughest times and how you show up for those you love during their toughest times. We are here for each other. I wish you love as you navigate the impermanence of your life.
**The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche
![Connecting is the Reason for the Season]()
Aug 30, 2019
Women feel their partners and kids expect them to manage everything most of the time. Not only can they manage the daily domestic “to-dos”, along with 
no job, part-time or full-time jobs, they also are expected to plan menus, shop for groceries, plan vacations, pack everyone’s bags, manage all the details of every holiday or birthday party or just about any event. There is a notion that women can infinitely expand-that their capacity to handle and cope with every situation and experience is expected and often expected without outside help; whether from their family, friends or even hiring professionals such as a house cleaner or caterer for an event one is hosting.
The exhaustion women can feel when they are asked to keep expanding their capacity to give is real and the fall out is resentment. Resentment of those they love the most. No, you can not infinitely expand. No, a woman can not carry what is expected of her without fatigue and burn out. Women have a finite amount of energy and time in any given 24 hour period.
Women what can you do? Say no more often, set boundaries, make a plan for “me time, to fill your cup”, ask for help, ask for help ask for help. Too many times a woman won’t do that as she doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, asking for what you want does increase your chances of getting it by 200%.
You are finite. The answer is no you can not infinitely expand. Accept this without shame, guilt or the dose of should’s that invade your self-talk. Time to occupy your finite self without guilt or shame. And, kiss yourself on the forehead for all you do.
Aug 15, 2019
To continue the lifetime journey of being true to yourself, and living your life lined up with your beliefs and values, there is another internal regulating system inside of you that can assist you to stay on your authentic path. This system is your “enlarging or diminishing sense of Self.and the energy you feel as this is taking place in your interactions. For example, you plan to meet a friend you haven’t seen for a while, however, when you are with them you notice you start to feel inferior. Your own sense of confidence and self-esteem feels diminished. It isn’t always in your face obvious and, in fact, it can sneak up on you either during or after you leave your friend. Or the opposite can occur, your energy level soars and your self-esteem and confidence and your sense of self improves and enlarges when you are with them.
This can happen in your intimate relationships, friendships, your familial relationships, and with acquaintances. Some times our closest relationships can impact us by a feeling of being ashamed, inferior or controlled.
Pay attention to your energy level, your self-esteem and confidence when hanging with the people in your life. If you feel less confidence, diminished self-esteem or any other negative feeling, maybe it’s time to address this issue with them. It may be time to break your ties to them or set some boundaries. And, conversely, if you feel empowered, loved, listen to, supported it may be time to let them know that you appreciate their loyalty, their support and unconditional love.
“Of each critical juncture of choice, one may usefully ask: “Does this path enlarge or diminish me?” Usually, we know the answer to that question. We know it intuitively, instinctively, in the gut. Choosing the path that enlarges is always going to mean choosing the path of individuation. The gods want us to grow up, to step up to that high calling that each soul carries as its destiny. Choosing the path that enlarges rather than diminishes will serve us well in navigating through our idol-ridden, clamourous, but sterile time and move us further toward meeting the person we were meant to be. (Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life, James Hollis.)
