May 18, 2020
I have had the honor and privilege of being a part of thousands of personal conversations from my profession as a counselor and from my friends and family. The stories my clients have shared with me regarding the painful challenges in their lives not only often results in tears and sadness as I empathize with their situations, it, also, results in my witnessing the courageous manner in which so many of them cope with their grief and hard times. We are all experiencing our own grief at this time with the pandemic. We all know that some are much more impacted due to the death of their loved ones, their own struggle with surviving the virus, the loss of income, food insecurity, the piling of bills and debt and the collective concern and downright fear of what the future holds.
While we all have the content of our lives, of our situations, the content stays mostly the same. We have our people, our homes, our material possessions, our pets, our devices, our social media, etc. This is all a part of our content. Often, the weight of our circumstances, the content of our lives is so heavy we can barely breathe. Some content is light and can be dismissed as a first world problem or shallow and frivolous. We typically wake up in our same bed day after day. and live our lives with our routines and norms. Content can change, of course, but it is often static.
However, our power lies in the context. How we hold the content. The frame we put on our content. Now more than ever, with the COVID, focusing on the frame is where we will lift ourselves up, find that silver lining, create a more positive and meaningful point of view.
I am so impressed with my friends, family, and clients who have done just that. Instead, of blaming, being resentful, wallowing in self-pity or becoming frozen with fear and anxiety, they frame this time in their life in a meaningful way. Some see it as an opportunity to re-organize the way they do business, some find that mother nature is in charge and this is actually good for our planet, some count their blessings that they or their loved ones are not sick, some are committed to their civic duty of doing all they can do to keep others safe and some, especially the introverts, love the excuse to stay home even more! You, as well, are having conversations about the virus and its impact with your friends, family, and others and comments on your social media. There is a stark difference between those who put a positive frame on this challenging event happening in all of our lives, and those who blame it on the government, politics, the conspiracy theories, other countries, the unfairness of it all, etc. etc.
And, all of this is no different than what I have witnessed, with the many conversations with so many people in pain having nothing to do with the virus. Those who frame their circumstantial grief with a positive meaningful frame and those who see themselves only as victims, that life singled them out to deliberately destroy them, the why is this happening to me victim thinking? I know four of the kindest, brightest, hard-working, compassionate women right now who are my friends, all dealing daily with surviving cancer. Every one of these women, speaks from a positive hopeful place. Do they have their moments of fear, the why me? who shed a lot of tears and deal with fear and anxiety?? Yes, of course. But, they know they have the power of their own minds to frame their situation in a way they can find peace and love and acceptance for what is so in their lives.
It isn’t that we don’t all go into a victim mindset when we are dealing with bad news. We all go there to some extent at times. But, all of us, every one of us has the freedom and the choice to see it differently, to re-frame the content where we feel more resolved, more empowered and more loving towards ourselves and other people and to find acceptance with the reality of our life. Not the dream of how we want it to be. But, how it is.
How are you coping? I would love to hear from you!
Gail
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Mar 23, 2020
The most powerful tool we have for changing our attitudes, viewpoints and for coping in a more resourceful and soothing manner, is our ability to re-frame any situation. While our content in life can be the same-we are in our same families, have our same friendship groups, our work, our homes our same hair and body, etc. You know, our content, our stuff, what we have and do. The re-frame power is in the context. How we hold our content. The frame we put on it, the vantage point we interpret our content from. That is where all of our personal power comes from.
While the virus is changing everyone’s lives my re-frame for today is “It’s a great day to be alive if you or anyone you care about is virus free!’
When my cousin died at the age of 17, his mom said “If money can fix it, it’s not a problem.” This has stuck with me when I am most stressed. Think about this, what can money fix? And, what can’t it fix? This was one of the best re-frames I had heard, and it applies to our lives now. Losing income, our way of life can all be fixed once the virus has passed and life goes back to normal. But, losing people we love, that is something money can not fix. And, that indeed is a problem.
We can keep ourselves safe, we do have the ability to stay home and use good hygiene. And, if your work is an essential service or you are a medical worker your risks go up so good hygiene is what you can do to lower your risk. For me today even though being home is getting a bit tedious, “It’s a great day to be alive because I am virus free as are my loved ones at this moment.” I hope this is your situation, also.
Love to hear your re-frames!
Gail
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Mar 14, 2020
With all the news bombarding us lately with the virus and all the resulting changes and closures because of it, and politics, the economy, and the fear it can all create, sometimes a walk really is the best medicine.
Changing our “state” helps shake off what we might be worried about. You can change your state by simply calling or texting a friend, watching an inspirational Youtube video, or reading a book, listening to music or a podcast Basically, re-directing your body and your mind away from what it is fixated on.
A walk is one of the most nourishing and simple activities you can engage in to reduce stress and change your state of mind. Being out and about (especially if the sun is out) reminds you of the beauty in the world, of seeing and hearing children play, the variety of dogs and owners you pass by, the friends in conversation as they walk past you, different storefronts, the beauty of the blue skies and the green grass and spring flowers beginning to bloom. And, being out in the fresh air is refreshing and your body loves to walk, it is so good for your blood circulation and getting oxygen to your body and mind. It really is a natural high.
If your life is so busy that walking is out of the question, see if you can squeeze it in before work, at lunch or after work, (especially with daylight savings time). The return in value will be worth it!
Taking a walk helps you change your state, nudging you to remember all of the positives in life and relieves you from tunnel vision which can easily hijack your entire Being, especially in times with this amount of stress. It always works for me, and I suspect it will work for you, too.
To Your Health and Well-Being,
Gail
![If Money Can Fix it, it’s Not a Problem]()
Feb 21, 2020
Life is the thing you bring with you inside your own head (author Sally Rooney, Normal People).
Think about it, we are the ones who bring meaning to our lives. There is no meaning outside of our own minds and hearts. Everything we experience is from our insides-it is not out there. For example: you hear ambulance and fire truck sirens close to your home, Your daughter just left your home and you are anxious that maybe she was involved in an accident. You start to get more worried even when you attempt to calm yourself down with some rational thoughts; she is probably fine, don’t worry. But, you are still anxious enough to call her to see if she is okay. And, thankfully, she is and those sirens had nothing to do with her.
At this point, your thoughts are relieved and you continue on to whatever it was you were doing. A car accident is a neutral event; simply two large heavy machines colliding into the same space, resulting in a car wreck. What does bring meaning to this collision is YOU. If it was your car and you were in the accident, you may be dealing with injuries, insurance companies, the police, perhaps, even deaths. If this collision involves anyone you care about it can result in emotional turmoil, loss and grief. This is no longer just two machines occupying the same space. This is your life!
We bring meaning to our life, we are the ones who have an emotional attachment and response to those we love, to our homes, our work, our planet, every aspect of our lives. But to others who have no idea who we are, we are a neutral event-neither here nor there, not even really existing. We create all the meaning, interpretations, our beliefs and values, our preferences, our opinions ALL OF IT. There is no inherent value in the world out there, only how we experience it.
This means you have the power to choose! Your self talk, your reaction, how you hold your life’s circumstances. You are constantly talking to your self inside your mind, you can redirect your self-talk, you can soothe yourself, you can put a new frame on any of the content in your life. Build that muscle, it takes practice.
Always on your team,
Gail
If you want personal coaching check me out on the Psychology Today at the 98065 Zip code Click: Psychology Today Website
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Feb 17, 2020
Our life is the result of the choices we make. We choose our state of being, attitude and frame of reference. If we hold others accountable for our life then we have to wait for them to change before we can change our life. (Nathaniel Branden)
Jan 27, 2020
Practice 3: Do at least 1-2 things for someone else today they did not expect. I am not talking about the laundry you do, the meals you plan, the job you do at work. I am talking about unexpected acts of kindness, that are a surprise. If you practice 1-2 acts of kindness every day, you will get back more return on your kindness than you gave. Compliment someone! Pay for their Starbucks in the drive-through, send a card to a friend letting them know how much you value them, leave a lipstick message on your bathroom mirror for your love or on your kid’s bathroom mirror. Treat a friend or co-worker to coffee, lunch or dinner. Send someone a gift online, run an errand for someone, volunteer for something.
One of my friends, went to her friend’s home to vacuum for her (they are very good friends and have keys to each other’s homes). My friend was so excited to sneak in and vacuum for her friend, knowing her friend was getting house guests and was short on time. While my friend was vacuuming away she was having so many fun thoughts about how surprised and grateful her friend would be. After her friend, returned home she waited for her response. Nothing. One hour later nothing. Two hours later, nothing. Finally, my friend texted her and said, “I vacuumed for you, I wanted to surprise you!” And, her friend said,’Oh my gosh, I got home late, didn’t turn on any lights and went to bed, I am so sorry I didn’t notice!” While disappointed, my friend said, “I had so much fun planning this and doing this to surprise her, it was really all the reward I needed, it was so much fun and got me out of my funk!”
Try it! Practice it and the sheer joy of “surprise giving, ” will make your day as well as the person who gets to receive your kindness!
