![Connecting is the Reason for the Season]()
Dec 1, 2019
Holidays are a time of connection with family and friends at a more accelerated rate than our normal pace. We connect at the Thanksgiving Dinner table, at holiday office parties, with cards and gifts. with that extra phone call to friends or family at a distance. This connecting can be good for the soul as well as stressful as some of our relationships are complicated or even painful. The holidays, much like weddings and funerals, can put us into contact with people we typically don’t hang with or even go out of our way to avoid. All of this adds up to more emotional uptime, more situations to cope with and that leads to stress. (And, that extra connection to our wallets can also create added stress on top of everything else).
The worst part of the holidays is for those of us who have lost the people we love the most. Grieving the loss of our closest family members and friends during this season can be excruciatingly painful. Being alone without them to share in the hustle and bustle, the decorating, their presence at parties and at the traditions once shared, is a deep soul pain. An ache that finds its home in the heart while the media pushes and promotes only the joy of the season. All of us will face this grief during the Holidays at some point in our lives. Many of you are already coping with the loss of those you deeply love and miss. This can be the most difficult time of the year for so many. This is normal, and this too shall pass, though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
No one knows what our lives will be like next year at this time. So much can change in a year. All we have is the present, this moment, this season. Even with grief and loss, there can be the silver lining, the taking stock of the blessings we do have in our lives, our family and friends who support us and encourage us when life shows us its ugly side. There is always something to cling to when grief is overwhelming. All of us will have stress and suffering, and the holidays intensify our grief. Reach out for support as needed, let people know you are hurting and need some extra attention. This is not a time to isolate, it is a time to reach out and ask for connection, your friends and family will respond as it is in our nature to want to help each other. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your friends and family should be initiating contact with you. You know that this time of year is busy for all, so they may not have you on the top of their minds. Instead, reach out to them and ask for their time, to be included, to have some extra support. There is courage in being vulnerable and asking for some extra care and love. And, you provide your family and friends with the opportunity to care for you, to open their hearts to help you out. This connection, this give and take with those we love is what heals and sustains us through the ups and downs of our lives. It is the most important part of our lives. As humans, nothing matters more than our attachment and connection to others.
I am grateful for you and the connection we share. I wish you the strength to reach out and be connected to those you love during this hyper-accelerated time of year.
![Connecting is the Reason for the Season]()
Aug 30, 2019
Women feel their partners and kids expect them to manage everything most of the time. Not only can they manage the daily domestic “to-dos”, along with 
no job, part-time or full-time jobs, they also are expected to plan menus, shop for groceries, plan vacations, pack everyone’s bags, manage all the details of every holiday or birthday party or just about any event. There is a notion that women can infinitely expand-that their capacity to handle and cope with every situation and experience is expected and often expected without outside help; whether from their family, friends or even hiring professionals such as a house cleaner or caterer for an event one is hosting.
The exhaustion women can feel when they are asked to keep expanding their capacity to give is real and the fall out is resentment. Resentment of those they love the most. No, you can not infinitely expand. No, a woman can not carry what is expected of her without fatigue and burn out. Women have a finite amount of energy and time in any given 24 hour period.
Women what can you do? Say no more often, set boundaries, make a plan for “me time, to fill your cup”, ask for help, ask for help ask for help. Too many times a woman won’t do that as she doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, asking for what you want does increase your chances of getting it by 200%.
You are finite. The answer is no you can not infinitely expand. Accept this without shame, guilt or the dose of should’s that invade your self-talk. Time to occupy your finite self without guilt or shame. And, kiss yourself on the forehead for all you do.
![Connecting is the Reason for the Season]()
Aug 10, 2019
As a counselor, I have had the privilege of listening to my clients searching for their authentic Self. Typically, their relationships define them, the roles they play in those relationships: partner, wife, husband, friend, parent, child, work life, and so on. But, searching for the authentic Self plays out in every one of those relationships. Questions one might ask as they search for their authentic Self is: “I wonder what I should do? What do they want from me? Am I being selfish? How do I even know what I want? I don’t like my body, I don’t like my bad habits, I want to change.” All of this is a search for your authentic Self. Who you are apart and yet connected to others in one’s life is a lifetime journey. Discovery of your true Self starts with paying attention to your beliefs and values, how you arrived at them, and if you still believe them. The next step is how you behave, do you behave aligned with your beliefs and values? Or do you need to change your behavior or your beliefs? More on search for Self in my next posts.
Jul 20, 2019
When you say yes to someone or something, you automatically say no to something else in your life. Be careful to look at the automatic no when you agree to do something. For example,.if you say yes to being on a committee, volunteering, taking a class or simply doing someone a favor, all of which are worthwhile situations to say yes to, you automatically say no to being home more and possibly relaxing, binging you favorite Netflix, reading a good book, exercising, hanging with friends or famiy, having flexibility on that day (as you now have something scheduled). Before saying yes to anything, take a good look at the automatic “no’s” that come with it. Make sure it is really a yes that works in your best interests.
Jul 16, 2019
Dr. Phil said, “when you chose the behavior, you choose the consequences.” At first this seems like an easy concept to grasp and agree with. But, let’s look deeper.
Every choice you make generates hundreds maybe thousands maybe millions of outcomes. Many of those outcomes or results or situations are negative, painful, hurtful, and can even ruin your entire life. And, what is more annoying is most of our choices are made like this, It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let’s look at some choices and then think about all the possible outcomes, from the positive to the worst case scenarios.
- Dating
- Marriage
- Having children
- Driving a car
- Being hired for a job
- Using drugs/alcohol
- Eating
- Traveling
- Going to school
- Launching a business
- Staying home
- Participating in a sport
- Choosing a hair stylist
- Spending money
And, of course, we make hundreds of choices all day long from small to big. When something turns out negatively; we get in a car crash, our children are disrespectful, our partner cheats on us, our washing machine floods our floor, etc. When these things happen we do not see our choice point in all of this. We quickly go into victim. “Why me?”. “Why is this happening to me?” “What am I going to do now?” “This is not fair!”, etc. But, here is the thing, when you chose the behavior, when you make a choice, which you do all the time, whether it feels like a choice or not, every outcome YOU HAD TO DO WITH. You get in a car crash (which was not your fault) you chose to drive and be on the road. Your partner cheats on you-you chose that partner and to be in a relationship. Your kids are driving you nuts? You chose to have kids (“No I didn’t, my pregnancy was unplanned”) Hmm, I wonder what choice you made (planned or unplanned) that could result in pregnancy?
There are some circumstances in life we did not choose-cancer diagnosis or disease, being raped or a victim of a crime, a natural disaster for example. Our choice point there is how we are going to cope and heal from this tragedy?
Owning all your life circumstances, searching for the silver lining, reframing the circumstance into something meaningful to you, means that you are on the path to an empowered life. That you are in charge of your life. That, yes, there are waves but you are learning to surf. This is not easy, nor is it the norm. (The norm is to be a victim, whine, complain, be disappointed, angry and resentful when life doesn’t go our way).
Step out of the victim mentality and instead chose to have the courage to own, embrace and learn from every choice you make.
![Connecting is the Reason for the Season]()
Jun 24, 2019
About 9 months ago I decided to try “Sober October” as I knew I had made alcohol too big of a habit in my life. I am health conscious with the food I eat, but somehow, alcohol always got a free pass. I often didn’t want to consider the harmful effects nor did I want to count the calories when I was on a weight loss streak (which is a daily challenge). I committed to Sober October and signed up for The Sober School’s 6-week class called “Getting Unstuck” on Facebook. I liked Kate Bee’s attitude about drinking and I did not consider myself anywhere near a candidate for AA. I just wanted to take a break. Much to my surprise,,. 9 months later I have been alcohol-free. This is a personal spiritual journey: being conscious in every moment of my life, of handling stress head-on, of celebrating the fun in life socially and emotionally without raising a glass of champagne or sharing a bottle of wine with friends. It is sitting on the patio on a sunny evening with a sparkling glass of Pellegrino, being awake and aware and feeling optimally healthy. The belief system around being alcohol-free is that life will be less fun, that we will always long for a drink, but I found this to be the opposite for me. Life is better without alcohol, in more ways than I will write about now. If you are curious about trying the path of giving alcohol a break, you can message me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/gailmanahanauthor or email at [email protected]. I am happy to support you if you are “sober curious.” Cheers!
