The most powerful tool we have for changing our attitudes, viewpoints and for coping in a more resourceful and soothing manner, is our ability to re-frame any situation. While our content in life can be the same-we are in our same families, have our same friendship groups, our work, our homes our same hair and body, etc. You know, our content, our stuff, what we have and do. The re-frame power is in the context. How we hold our content. The frame we put on it, the vantage point we interpret our content from. That is where all of our personal power comes from.
While the virus is changing everyone’s lives my re-frame for today is “It’s a great day to be alive if you or anyone you care about is virus free!’
When my cousin died at the age of 17, his mom said “If money can fix it, it’s not a problem.”This has stuck with me when I am most stressed. Think about this, what can money fix? And, what can’t it fix? This was one of the best re-frames I had heard, and it applies to our lives now. Losing income, our way of life can all be fixed once the virus has passed and life goes back to normal. But, losing people we love, that is something money can not fix. And, that indeed is a problem.
We can keep ourselves safe, we do have the ability to stay home and use good hygiene. And, if your work is an essential service or you are a medical worker your risks go up so good hygiene is what you can do to lower your risk. For me today even though being home is getting a bit tedious, “It’s a great day to be alive because I am virus free as are my loved ones at this moment.” I hope this is your situation, also.
With all the news bombarding us lately with the virus and all the resulting changes and closures because of it, and politics, the economy, and the fear it can all create, sometimes a walk really is the best medicine.
Changing our “state” helps shake off what we might be worried about. You can change your state by simply calling or texting a friend, watching an inspirational Youtube video, or reading a book, listening to music or a podcast Basically, re-directing your body and your mind away from what it is fixated on.
A walk is one of the most nourishing and simple activities you can engage in to reduce stress and change your state of mind. Being out and about (especially if the sun is out) reminds you of the beauty in the world, of seeing and hearing children play, the variety of dogs and owners you pass by, the friends in conversation as they walk past you, different storefronts, the beauty of the blue skies and the green grass and spring flowers beginning to bloom. And, being out in the fresh air is refreshing and your body loves to walk, it is so good for your blood circulation and getting oxygen to your body and mind. It really is a natural high.
If your life is so busy that walking is out of the question, see if you can squeeze it in before work, at lunch or after work, (especially with daylight savings time). The return in value will be worth it!
Taking a walk helps you change your state, nudging you to remember all of the positives in life and relieves you from tunnel vision which can easily hijack your entire Being, especially in times with this amount of stress. It always works for me, and I suspect it will work for you, too.
Feeling lonely is becoming an epidemic even with all our connecting via social media and phones. Feeling lonely is one of our deepest and most troubling emotions. When we do not have close intimate relationships, friendships or close family ties we suffer from wondering what our purpose is in life, who values our existence, where do we belong and who do we belong to. We have five basic emotional needs we seek every day of our lives in order to feel good and they are: To feel loved, valued, respected, capable and that we belong.
Loneliness can be deadly: this according to former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, among others, who has stressed the significant health threat. Loneliness has been estimated to shorten a person’s life by 15 years, equivalent in impact to being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes per day. A recent study revealed a surprising association between loneliness and cancer mortality risk, pointing to the role loneliness plays in cancer’s course, including responsiveness to treatments. (Scientific American By Claire Pomeroy on
How do we overcome our loneliness? All of us can experience feeling lonely at times in our lives. If we move away from friends or family, or if they move away from us, if we are in a new job, new school, going through a relationship break up, being ill, or losing someone we love for example. These are all times in our lives we can feel detached and lonely. These situations usually will pass in time, but feelling lonely when your life appears to be a good one results in a chronic disconnection that is harmful to our mental and physical health, not to mention our spirit.
The good news is you can take action in order to ward off chronic loneliness, there are 3 paths to connection and building close relationships.
Begin the “dating” process: Take notice of people you work with or live by, or any group situation you frequent; gyms, churches, yoga classes, any classes you may be taking, etc. If you see someone who seems like someone interesting to you, or friendly, reach out and start a conversation. Do not wait for anyone to reach out to you. After you get past some friendly hellos and light conversations, invite them for coffee, or invite two or three people. Sometimes meeting new people in twos or more is less intimate and more comfortable at first. It spreads the conversation around. If you enjoyed your conversation, follow up with contact info and ask them “out” again. Don’t rush it, do pace yourself, but youdo the inviting. DO NOT WAIT TO BE INVITED, people don’t seem to be big inviters these days, but they do seem to say yes to an invitation. So “date” your new acquaintance, the more you meet with them. the more comfortable it gets.
Volunteer or join many groups. If you volunteer where there are less fortunate people such as food banks, hospitals, non-profits or charities you will feel better as you are doing good for others and at the same time meeting other volunteers. Already you are sharing common interests. Schools in your community are great places to volunteer-helping kids read, write, supervising playgrounds, being a mentor. There are community groups who need you with a lot of opportunities to be of service such as your Rotary, Lions and Kiwanis clubs. There may be Boys and Girls Clubs looking for volunteers and other youth programs. You will feel lonely if you stay home- that is a 100% predictable result of isolating. So, set a goal, maybe a few baby steps but at least begin connecting outside of your home.
Moms who do not work outside of the home are often lonely. There are lots of mom groups to join, and sometimes Facebook or Meet Up has local groups who are available with a few key search words. If you are at the other end of the spectrum and are retired,consider getting a part-time job where you would enjoy meeting people. This is, of course, an option if you do not want to volunteer or join clubs.
HOWEVER, the best thing you can do no matter what your circumstance is to be the inviter! Stop waiting for anyone to reach out to you. You must be that person who reaches out. Pace your self, no need to feel desperate or needy, just a simple invite to meet someone to coffee or even lunch or to take a walk. It can be awkward at first, you are going to feel uncomfortable (part of taking risks is the “groan zone’) but moving through the discomfort leads to connection and connecting leads to friendships.
I would love to hear any suggestions you have to move out of loneliness and to get connected. There are 7.53 billion people on the planet, I am sure you can find some new friends where ever you live. We have more in common than not, it just takes some time and effort to find out.
Life is the thing you bring with you inside your own head (author Sally Rooney, Normal People).
Think about it, we are the ones who bring meaning to our lives. There is no meaning outside of our own minds and hearts. Everything we experience is from our insides-it is not out there. For example: you hear ambulance and fire truck sirens close to your home, Your daughter just left your home and you are anxious that maybe she was involved in an accident. You start to get more worried even when you attempt to calm yourself down with some rational thoughts; she is probably fine, don’t worry. But, you are still anxious enough to call her to see if she is okay. And, thankfully, she is and those sirens had nothing to do with her.
At this point, your thoughts are relieved and you continue on to whatever it was you were doing. A car accident is a neutral event; simply two large heavy machines colliding into the same space, resulting in a car wreck. What does bring meaning to this collision is YOU. If it was your car and you were in the accident, you may be dealing with injuries, insurance companies, the police, perhaps, even deaths. If this collision involves anyone you care about it can result in emotional turmoil, loss and grief. This is no longer just two machines occupying the same space. This is your life!
We bring meaning to our life, we are the ones who have an emotional attachment and response to those we love, to our homes, our work, our planet, every aspect of our lives. But to others who have no idea who we are, we are a neutral event-neither here nor there, not even really existing. We create all the meaning, interpretations, our beliefs and values, our preferences, our opinions ALL OF IT. There is no inherent value in the world out there, only how we experience it.
This means you have the power to choose! Your self talk, your reaction, how you hold your life’s circumstances. You are constantly talking to your self inside your mind, you can redirect your self-talk, you can soothe yourself, you can put a new frame on any of the content in your life. Build that muscle, it takes practice.
Always on your team,
Gail
If you want personal coaching check me out on the Psychology Today at the 98065 Zip code Click: Psychology Today Website
Our life is the result of the choices we make. We choose our state of being, attitude and frame of reference. If we hold others accountable for our life then we have to wait for them to change before we can change our life. (Nathaniel Branden)
When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice. (Together is Better by Simon Sinek).
Do you value advice? Or do you only feel criticized when someone who cares about you gives you advice, keeping in mind their intention is often to support you? I know I have been closed-minded and resistant to unsolicited advice. And, I also know that the advice, whether wanted or not, got me thinking and I either realize that the advice was spot on (even though I didn’t like it) or it did not fit for me and I categorized it as not true for me. Therefore I stay my chosen course. Or, the advice rummages around in me and I take it and begin to make some changes.
Many times when a friend, family, partner, or co-worker gives you their opinion or advice, it can be about changing you into who they want you to be, to satisfy them, but it doesn’t fit for you. Being an open learner means listening to advice (unwanted or not) and then thoughtfully considering if this advice really is in your best interests (not theirs).
Many cultures (not typically white Western US peeps) respect and value parents’ and grandparents’ guidance and advice and even who their parents choose for them to marry. This is something most Westerners reject as they strive for independence and search for autonomy, distancing themselves from their parents. However, many non-Western friends I have, often value and respect their parents’ advice while raising children, in their marriages, financial life, and health and well being.
Is it possible that those with more life experiences, longer lives and having lived through many decades may, in fact, have valuable advice to give? Many cultures think so! Is it possible that friends or co-workers who have gotten married, had babies, struggled with health problems, been through divorces, addiction or financial struggles may, in fact, have some good advice to share?
Maybe those who care about us the most, who have our best interests in mind: our family and friends and many of our co-workers have in fact some good advice that will improve our lives and help us on your own path. Maybe if we didn’t meet their advice with a shield to defend ourselves, but instead remained open to feedback (solicited or unsolicited) we could indeed learn something of value.
Again When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice. (Together is Better by Simon Sinek).
The most powerful tool we have for changing our attitudes, viewpoints and for coping in a more resourceful and soothing manner, is our ability to re-frame any situation. While our content in life can be the same-we are in our same families, have our same friendship groups, our work, our homes our same hair and body, etc. You know, our content, our stuff, what we have and do. The re-frame power is in the context. How we hold our content. The frame we put on it, the vantage point we interpret our content from. That is where all of our personal power comes from.
With all the news bombarding us lately with the virus and all the resulting changes and closures because of it, and politics, the economy, and the fear it can all create, sometimes a walk really is the best medicine.
When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice.