Women feel their partners and kids expect them to manage everything most of the time. Not only can they manage the daily domestic “to-dos”, along with no job, part-time or full-time jobs, they also are expected to plan menus, shop for groceries, plan vacations, pack everyone’s bags, manage all the details of every holiday or birthday party or just about any event. There is a notion that women can infinitely expand-that their capacity to handle and cope with every situation and experience is expected and often expected without outside help; whether from their family, friends or even hiring professionals such as a house cleaner or caterer for an event one is hosting.
The exhaustion women can feel when they are asked to keep expanding their capacity to give is real and the fall out is resentment. Resentment of those they love the most. No, you can not infinitely expand. No, a woman can not carry what is expected of her without fatigue and burn out. Women have a finite amount of energy and time in any given 24 hour period.
Women what can you do? Say no more often, set boundaries, make a plan for “me time,to fill your cup”, ask for help, ask for helpask for help. Too many times a woman won’t do that as she doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, asking for what you want does increase your chances of getting it by 200%.
You are finite. The answer is no you can not infinitely expand. Accept this without shame, guilt or the dose of should’s that invade your self-talk. Time to occupy your finite self without guilt or shame. And, kiss yourself on the forehead for all you do.
Dr. Phil said, “when you chose the behavior, you choose the consequences.” At first this seems like an easy concept to grasp and agree with. But, let’s look deeper.
Every choice you make generates hundreds maybe thousands maybe millions of outcomes. Many of those outcomes or results or situations are negative, painful, hurtful, and can even ruin your entire life. And, what is more annoying is most of our choices are made like this, It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let’s look at some choices and then think about all the possible outcomes, from the positive to the worst case scenarios.
Dating
Marriage
Having children
Driving a car
Being hired for a job
Using drugs/alcohol
Eating
Traveling
Going to school
Launching a business
Staying home
Participating in a sport
Choosing a hair stylist
Spending money
And, of course, we make hundreds of choices all day long from small to big. When something turns out negatively; we get in a car crash, our children are disrespectful, our partner cheats on us, our washing machine floods our floor, etc. When these things happen we do not see our choice point in all of this. We quickly go into victim. “Why me?”. “Why is this happening to me?” “What am I going to do now?” “This is not fair!”, etc. But, here is the thing, when you chose the behavior, when you make a choice, which you do all the time, whether it feels like a choice or not, every outcome YOU HAD TO DO WITH. You get in a car crash (which was not your fault) you chose to drive and be on the road. Your partner cheats on you-you chose that partner and to be in a relationship. Your kids are driving you nuts? You chose to have kids (“No I didn’t, my pregnancy was unplanned”) Hmm, I wonder what choice you made (planned or unplanned) that could result in pregnancy?
There are some circumstances in life we did not choose-cancer diagnosis or disease, being raped or a victim of a crime, a natural disaster for example. Our choice point there is how we are going to cope and heal from this tragedy?
Owning all your life circumstances, searching for the silver lining, reframing the circumstance into something meaningful to you, means that you are on the path to an empowered life. That you are in charge of your life. That, yes, there are waves but you are learning to surf. This is not easy, nor is it the norm. (The norm is to be a victim, whine, complain, be disappointed, angry and resentful when life doesn’t go our way).
Step out of the victim mentality and instead chose to have the courage to own, embrace and learn from every choice you make.
About 9 months ago I decided to try “Sober October” as I knew I had made alcohol too big of a habit in my life. I am health conscious with the food I eat, but somehow, alcohol always got a free pass. I often didn’t want to consider the harmful effects nor did I want to count the calories when I was on a weight loss streak (which is a daily challenge). I committed to Sober October and signed up for The Sober School’s 6-week class called “Getting Unstuck” on Facebook. I liked Kate Bee’s attitude about drinking and I did not consider myself anywhere near a candidate for AA. I just wanted to take a break. Much to my surprise,,. 9 months later I have been alcohol-free. This is a personal spiritual journey: being conscious in every moment of my life, of handling stress head-on, of celebrating the fun in life socially and emotionally without raising a glass of champagne or sharing a bottle of wine with friends. It is sitting on the patio on a sunny evening with a sparkling glass of Pellegrino, being awake and aware and feeling optimally healthy. The belief system around being alcohol-free is that life will be less fun, that we will always long for a drink, but I found this to be the opposite for me. Life is better without alcohol, in more ways than I will write about now. If you are curious about trying the path of giving alcohol a break, you can message me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/gailmanahanauthor or email at [email protected]. I am happy to support you if you are “sober curious.” Cheers!
The Dalai Lama shared: In the West, you have education. This is good. You have technology. This is good. But you do not educate your people in values of the heart, of compassion. This you must do,” the Dalai Lama said. “It does not matter whether you are Buddhist or Christian. Compassion lives in the heart, beyond religion. Even me, a Buddhist, can say that you do not need Buddhism. All you need is the compassion of the heart. Women know this because peace is implicit in women. You put boys together, they make war. You put women together, they make peace. Women are the leaders of the future.
From the Lion’s Roar: The Dalai Lama: Women are the Leaders of the Future BY DANIELLE LAPORTE|
Do you think at times that your friends and other people are just running around living these amazing lives, all happy and energetic and enjoying life to the fullest? While you may be coping with your own mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, feeling sluggish and tired, unmotivated, a bit burned out and not exactly thrilled about anything on your horizon; it is easy to imagine that everyone else on your social media accounts, or your friends and family and neighbors are all just livin the dream. I know for sure that is not true. I know for sure because I am a counselor and have heard the stories of people’s lives behind the scenes, behind their front doors, and I am a witness that absolutely no one’s life is fabulous day after day. I was recently reminded of this on my walk yesterday through my neighborhood. Admiring all the different pretty homes and yards and wondering who lives there, and what their lives are like. When I would pass an especially expensive beautiful home, I would imagine that their lives were especially better than mine. While I know that is absolutely not true, that anyone who is human will struggle with life at some time, if not daily. Everyone is coping with something, whether it is finances, marriage problems, going through a divorce or losing someone they love, a scary diagnosis, loss of a job, problems and worries about their kids, estranged or challenging relationships with relatives, battling weight, aging, and appearance issues, and simply feeling stuck in a life that they simply do not want to live in anymore. The Buddha said, “To Live is To Suffer” and that we can only find peace, contentment and joy by realizing our own suffering and knowing that everyone else has their own suffering. When we accept that we are all in the same boat, sharing the same human experience this should move us towards compassion towards everyone we meet and come in contact with and of course those we love. Everyone could use more compassion. So when you are driving, walking or running by them remember that each one of those homes has some pain, and some joy and hundreds of stories
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This is an excerpt and the key is practice:
Practice 1 The only person you can change is you! You have 100% direct influence on how you behave, how you fill yourself with positive support such as spiritual or uplifting books, podcasts, blogs, Youtube, Ted Talks, short stories, and how you view the world. You are the circle of influence, the one person you can count on to change for the better. I know it would be so much easier if you could just change everyone else, and, I am sure you work on that a little bit every day. However, as you are well aware of, no one wants your good advice, your smart observations or correcting someone else’s behaviors, unless, of course, you are asked directly to do so. So today, put your energy into your own well being, self-improvement, self-acceptance and love yourself up a bit just to be sure you get some love at the start of your day. (And, if you don’t know how to do that…here is how: give yourself 3 compliments, write down 3 things you are grateful for and choose super healthy food to start your day, and put some time in your morning for a walk, yoga treadmill or the gym).
no job, part-time or full-time jobs, they also are expected to plan menus, shop for groceries, plan vacations, pack everyone’s bags, manage all the details of every holiday or birthday party or just about any event. There is a notion that women can infinitely expand-that their capacity to handle and cope with every situation and experience is expected and often expected without outside help; whether from their family, friends or even hiring professionals such as a house cleaner or caterer for an event one is hosting.
About 9 months ago I decided to try “Sober October” as I knew I had made alcohol too big of a habit in my life. I am health conscious with the food I eat, but somehow, alcohol always got a free pass. I often didn’t want to consider the harmful effects nor did I want to count the calories when I was on a weight loss streak (which is a daily challenge). I committed to Sober October and signed up for The Sober School’s 6-week class called “Getting Unstuck” on Facebook. I liked Kate Bee’s attitude about drinking and I did not consider myself anywhere near a candidate for AA. I just wanted to take a break. Much to my surprise,,. 9 months later I have been alcohol-free. This is a personal spiritual journey: being conscious in every moment of my life, of handling stress head-on, of celebrating the fun in life socially and emotionally without raising a glass of champagne or sharing a bottle of wine with friends. It is sitting on the patio on a sunny evening with a sparkling glass of Pellegrino, being awake and aware and feeling optimally healthy. The belief system around being alcohol-free is that life will be less fun, that we will always long for a drink, but I found this to be the opposite for me. Life is better without alcohol, in more ways than I will write about now. If you are curious about trying the path of giving alcohol a break, you can message me on FB at https://www.facebook.com/gailmanahanauthor or email at 
