May 19, 2019
As women we do a lot for other people sometimes to the detriment of our own joy and well-being. Sacrifice is involved: sacrifice of our time, our free will and our feelings. If what you want to do today is go to the gym, shop a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe even take a nap, if you have a to-do list a mile long, family and friends who need your attention, then that is most likely not going to happen. Doing things for other people often requires sacrifice. That can feel difficult, obligatory, create low energy and often result in a backlash of resentment.
However, doing something kind for someone else is a conscious choice and the immediate payback for you is not resentment, but joy. When we intend to be kind to someone it is not an act of sacrifice or dependency, but a transaction where each person involved feels a surge of happiness! That is a win-win for both and does not involve obligation, “the shoulds” and is free of resentment. Doing something for someone out of the kindness and willingness of your heart is not co-dependent, in fact, it is independent of anyone else’s needs. Being kind and thoughtful towards another person will give you more energy, a smile on your face and brighten your heart.
May 15, 2019
“Of course, the world is not divided into two types of women: those who grow and those who don’t. All of us fit into both groups almost every day of our lives. Some of the time, we are good copers and resilient human beings, in other moments, we are reactive and pessimistic. Pain, sorrow and anger will always be with us. But, with will, intentionality, and the right set of skills, we can be happier over the long haul.” (Women Rowing North, Mary Pipher, page 2 Kindle). All of us can expand our self-awareness at any age, and at any time. Having a curious and open mindset and seeking conversations about ourselves with counselors, our more enlightened friends, reading self-growth books, googling pertinent articles on the areas in our lives we wish to improve. There simply is no shortage of help available once you commit to growing, healing and becoming more self-aware. I am here for you, also.
![Your Natural Intelligence]()
May 13, 2019
“Natural Intelligence is always accessible to us. When we’re not caught in the trap of hope and fear, we intuitively know what’s the right thing to do. If we’re not obscuring our intelligence with anger, self-pity, or craving, we know what will help and what will make things worse.” (Taking The Leap, by Pema Chodron, pg5. Kindle). When we move out of fear and listen to our core self, our gut and heart we always know the right thing to do. Sometimes it takes some time, to sift through all the shoulds to get to what is actually true for you.
Feb 19, 2019
Dear Stella, (and so many Women),
You are a beautiful, strong, and smart woman. You also are a loving and devoted wife, mom and loyal daughter to your dad (especially since the passing of your mom). You have created a warm and safe home for your kids to grow up in and now you are an elementary teacher, impacting the lives of all those little guys who are just beginning their trek into their school years.
What strikes me as interesting, is when you come into sessions with me, you often are unsure of how to act or behave in certain situations with your family and friends. You often apologize when you share your thoughts and feelings with me. You seem to discount yourself, as if what you have to say doesn’t have meaning, or that you aren’t sure if you are saying “the right” things. I find it interesting, as accomplished as you are, that you doubt your wants and needs and your self worth. I see you as an in great physical shape, a beautiful kind woman, who not only manages to run five miles every day, but, you visit your dad every day since your mom passed, and you go to the grocery to keep the kitchen stocked for your dad and your own family, and you prepare meals for your family plus you work full time taking care of 25 students. That is some amazing work there, a labor of love for sure.
And, yet you say, “I didn’t even know I had my own truth inside, I was so used to trying to be the daughter my parents raised, the wife I thought I should be, the mom I thought I should be, the good Christian woman I thought I should be, I never thought I actually had my own beliefs and values and wants.” I was so surprised that at 50 you did not know this.
Deep inside of you, there is a core, a place I call home. We are all unique essences, there is no one on this planet of 6 plus billion people, who is you, has ever been you or will ever be you. You were born with your own unique truths, talents, preferences, and DNA, and your one and only authentic job is to express who you are, not who someone else thinks you should be.
As you have moved through your childhood, you gathered more beliefs about the world, values/morals, opinions and beliefs about yourself-often self-limited such as “I can’t do math, I am too fat, I am not lovable, I am not capable, etc.” These self-limiting beliefs can hold you back, have you doubting yourself and second guessing your self. I am here to tell you all your truth is already inside you, as are your beliefs and values. If you make a choice or a decision, you either make that choice lined up with your core beliefs and values, or you walk away from them. And, when you walk away from them you will feel a backlash of negative emotions such as anxiety, fear, doubt, guilt, sadness, or some form of a negative backlash. This is because you sold yourself out to someone else’s beliefs and values, maybe your pastors, or husbands or parents or friends. But, when you only make choices that come from your beliefs and values you will feel lined up, energized and have enthusiasm and a sense of calm and peace. You will feel centered, and authentic and have more self-respect.
This is not an easy journey but it begins at any time that you set your mind to listen to your core self, listen to your mind and heart, before you make a choice, become agreeable or decide any action. Think first, “What do I want?” Not, “what should I do”, then respectfully choose. Your choice may anger your husband, your friends and/or your family because they most likely want you to do something that pleases them, meets their expectations. But, doing what others want to please them when it does not please you, will result in resentment. And, those resentments can build, and grow for years and years. Anger, is aged resentment. Some women have built up years of resentment in their primary relationships because they walked away from their true Self to accommodate and please everyone else. They are so angry at their spouses or kids because they have suppressed their true wants and desires for others. Or, maybe you have stayed at a job you did not like, but felt stuck and didn’t leave which resulted in years of resentment. We have many circumstances in our lives that can leave us feeling like victims, blaming others for our lives and not taking any accountability for the role we play in those circumstances.
You can live an empowered life, a conscious life without resentment. It starts with trusting your core self, your own truth, sharing your own experience, what is true for you, even when it is not a popular truth. Perhaps, you are at a meeting and you hear an idea presented that you think is ridiculous, but you decide since everyone else seems to favor it you will keep your mouth shut. You leave the meeting thinking “what is wrong with those people? Can’t they see this will only make things worse?” You become resentful and blame the others for their opinions. But, if that scene could be re-played, and you said, “I have to disagree, I don’t think this is a good idea and here is why. While I can see your viewpoint, I just do not see it that way.” You had the courage to speak up, use your voice, contribute to the conversation and stay true to yourself. You will most likely walk away feeling more at peace even if the rest of the participants proceed with the decision you did not like, because you shared your truth, took ownership and you also understood you got vetoed by the majority. Will you be resentful? You might feel like you are still in a blaming mood. Or, you will think, “I spoke my mind, now we will see how it goes.” Maybe you will feel skeptically curious but not resentful.
Not every situation in life can be handled with staying true to yourself, as sometimes we need to tell a white lie or go along with something because it is the right thing to do. I call these the “shoulds.” Some people spend their entire lives doing only the shoulds instead of speaking up, and this is the fast track to losing your authentic self as you are always in a state of being agreeable to others instead of yourself. But, there are times one has to do a should. For example, let’s say your in laws are coming into town and you are dreading their arrival. Your truth is this, “I do not like my mother in law and I am already getting in a bad mood just thinking she is coming to visit. My father in law is ok, but all he does is take over the TV and watches Fox news and barely ever engages in conversation.” You could tell your husband, “In no way shape or form do I want your parents in our home.” Which may very well be your truth. However, you have another belief in your core, which is, “To be fair, I should be welcoming and nice to these people as they are my husband’s parents, and they kind of came with the marriage.” This is when you chose the “should.” And choosing your shoulds means choosing them 100%, without blame and resentment. Not making your husband pay for this later, or complaining more about his parents or telling him he owes you something in return. Instead, you take ownership of all your choices, and since you chose the should, then chose with buy in. This keeps you living in integrity, it keeps you living consciously and at choice.
This is not an easy journey, making every choice with a “to thine own self be true” position, especially since you have typically focused on everyone else around you getting their needs met. But, once you live your life consciously and awake, learning to say yes and no, you will begin the journey of increased self esteem and confidence and you will love more and resent less.
Feb 14, 2019
Living your life without anger and resentment starts with recognizing your choice in the matter. As women, we are relationship focused, meaning we often like to do things for others, whether that is for our family members, friends or co-workers. We do a lot of “shoulds” as it is expected of us to give, to be there for others and to be other focused. Shoulds can mean feeling obligated, that this is something you have to do (to be a good girl, mom, wife, friend, etc.) And, when we do things we are expected to do, there can be a backlash of resentment which may look like this;
“I do not know why I agreed I would be in charge of the food for our office party, I have no time and I will get stuck with the bill as half my co-workers will forget to pay me back.”
“Why is it I am the one who does all the grocery shopping and keeps this home clean?”
“Why did I tell John and Carol they could stay with us next weekend, I am swamped at work and have no time to get ready for them?”
In these situations, you said Yes to something you did not have 100% buy into. You said yes because you are good at organizing and no one else in the office can do it as well, You said yes to grocery shopping and keeping your home clean because that is “just what women do” and no one else in the home will do it, you said yes to your friends coming for the weekend because you didn’t want to tell them no as it might hurt their feelings and you had invited them to come stay with you sometime.
But, every yes is an automatic no to something else in your life. No, to your own free time or your time to relax, doing something that serves you instead of others. These “shoulds” and yes’s can backlash into resentment (which is aged anger). But, when you learn to make a choice based on what is true for you, for what you want to do, not meeting others expectations then you are at choice point. And, when you live your life at choice, you have buy-in, enthusiasm, more energy and zero resentment. When you learn to stop doing all those shoulds, you gain mastery over your own life, you steer your life in the direction you want to go and the result is a happier, honest and more refreshed you!
Jan 2, 2019
There are days we wake up and our day is already off to a bad start. We can wake up irritated, sad, angry, lonely. Sometimes we know just what circumstance caused this, other times we can’t find any evidence of why we feel this way, it could be simply our bodies, hormones, biorhythms, lack of a good night’s sleep. Nevertheless, waking up feeling anger and resentment is not a great way to start your day. Here are five ways you can begin to move out of these disturbing feelings:
1. See if you are out of integrity somewhere, that there was something you did or didn’t follow through on that is nagging you. This information is stored in your core -your gut. You can feel when you are out of alignment with your beliefs and behaviors. If you find the place where you are in fact out of integrity which is generating these negative emotions, then plan a course of action to address this. For instance, if this has to do with a relationship, maybe you need to make a sincere apology if you let someone down, or were brisk or rude, and apologizing starts the cleanup and is your fast track to feeling better again.
2. If you broke an agreement with yourself, such as you were really, really going on your diet yesterday but ate two bowls of ice cream after dinner, this could be disturbing as you feel shame and anger at yourself. At this point, you simply acknowledge that this is familiar and “here I am again.” And, then move on to recommit to your diet. Staying guilty or verbally beating yourself up does nothing to move you out of resentment or anger. Moving on in a new positive direction with positive self-talk puts you back on the right path.
3. Writing down 10 things (or more) you are grateful for and then close your eyes and think of each one separately until you have a smile on your face. Re-aligning what is most important to us can overcome the anger and resentment we can get stuck in.
4. And finally, find your choice point. “How did I do this to me?” We all make choices all day long in our lives. Choices in our relationships, whether to have children, to buy a house, to have pets, to run a marathon, to take a new position at work. And, when we make those choices we must accept ALL the consequences that come from those choices, positive and negative. When we wake up angry or resentful that our partner isn’t paying enough attention to us, our children keep waking us up at night, our home is out of order and there is a ton of laundry to do, training for the marathon is exhausting, and your new boss at work is awful, you must remind yourself that you did this to you. These results were from your choices. And when you find your choice point, you can take accountability and even get the joke of it, that you are blaming everyone around you for the choices you made. When you find your choice points ask yourself if you had it to do over again would you choose differently? Do you need to change course now? Is it possible? Or do you move out of the victim powerless position of blame, being angry and resentful by realizing this is your life, you made the choices and now it is time to own that and find the good your day has to offer.
