What is this no victims only volunteers business? Living an empowered life, whereby you move out of a victim position into one of influence and meaning, involves volunteering to see your situation with a different lens. This is not easy, searching for another viewpoint or perspective in which to find the silver lining in situations when you feel grief, anger, disappointment or frustration. Especially when there is so much circumstantial evidence that someone or something is to blame outside of yourself. That you, in fact, didn’t ask for this, that you were simply an innocent bystander who was wronged.
Of course, you can feel this way, of course, you can not live a life without hundreds, maybe thousands of challenging experiences or, perhaps, just one devastating experience that almost destroys you. To live is to experience many suffering situations. However, what if your power came from the creation of a more meaningful (to you) viewpoint? What if you could say, “I am grateful that the biggest problem I am waking up to today is my coffee pot that didn’t work right, especially when there are so many other people who are waking up wondering how they are going to eat to sustain their life?” What if those five loads of laundry sitting on your bed waiting to be folded were reminders that the people you love the most were alive and well? And, what if when tragedy strikes, you search for something positive, something that challenges you to see that there was good in that situation, that there was love and support and an inner strength you did not know you could draw from?
What if your suffering was a wake-up call, that others you know have faced similar or worse situations and you did not reach out to them, you did not fully empathize or sympathize and so now you have become a more caring and loving person? And, when the tough times come, and you are too scared to leave your home or are frozen with anxiety or fear, what if you chose to rise above the situation, and look for resources to heal, to actively pursue support, care and help? What if you were committed to finding joy again, to see the beauty in life, even with your broken heart and spirit? That determination is moving from victim to volunteer, it is the willingness to have personal power in all your life situations so you come from ownership and accountability and a sense of being at the steering wheel of your life and not losing yourSelf in blame, anger and resentment.
The Dalai Lama shared: In the West, you have education. This is good. You have technology. This is good. But you do not educate your people in values of the heart, of compassion. This you must do,” the Dalai Lama said. “It does not matter whether you are Buddhist or Christian. Compassion lives in the heart, beyond religion. Even me, a Buddhist, can say that you do not need Buddhism. All you need is the compassion of the heart. Women know this because peace is implicit in women. You put boys together, they make war. You put women together, they make peace. Women are the leaders of the future.
From the Lion’s Roar: The Dalai Lama: Women are the Leaders of the Future BY DANIELLE LAPORTE|
You have probably heard the expression, “You need to fill your cup” which is a metaphor for taking care of yourself first, before everyone else. Unfortunately, a woman’s default button is first taking care of everyone and everything before putting herself first. And, when a woman does put herself first it may be squeezed in during the day or evening after everyone else is getting their needs met. I know some women who can’t even get to the gym or a yoga class till 8:00pm, long after they had gotten the family off to school or work, got themselves off to work, worked all day, hit the grocery store, made dinner, did the dishes, put the kids to bed then went to the gym: at the time they should be relaxing and pouring themselves into bed. That 45 minutes of working out, helped fill their cup. BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH!
Women are often irritable, cranky, angry and generally unhappy because they do not put themselves first for an extended amount of time. This could mean an entire day to themselves, or a weekend or a week or Heaven forbid two weeks! And yet, I can bet that the men in their lives regularly go golfing, hunting, hiking, fishing, or even travel to beautiful locations for a few days or a week for work, which is often combined with plenty of fun and no family to take care of since you know who is taking care of the family back home.
I guarantee when you commit to your own well being and mental health by filling your cup-making plans for you to exit stage left and enjoy something that is just yours, that you are not sharing with anyone who you also feel the need to take care of. Commit to at least twice a year, or once every month or SOMETHING and make a plan to go do what you love and leave all the rest to all those other adults in your life who can handle everything you do (well, they won’t do it as well as you do but that is ok, everyone will survive!) So, plan, commit and go! Everyone in your life will be better off because you took care of just you.
Do you think at times that your friends and other people are just running around living these amazing lives, all happy and energetic and enjoying life to the fullest? While you may be coping with your own mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, feeling sluggish and tired, unmotivated, a bit burned out and not exactly thrilled about anything on your horizon; it is easy to imagine that everyone else on your social media accounts, or your friends and family and neighbors are all just livin the dream. I know for sure that is not true. I know for sure because I am a counselor and have heard the stories of people’s lives behind the scenes, behind their front doors, and I am a witness that absolutely no one’s life is fabulous day after day. I was recently reminded of this on my walk yesterday through my neighborhood. Admiring all the different pretty homes and yards and wondering who lives there, and what their lives are like. When I would pass an especially expensive beautiful home, I would imagine that their lives were especially better than mine. While I know that is absolutely not true, that anyone who is human will struggle with life at some time, if not daily. Everyone is coping with something, whether it is finances, marriage problems, going through a divorce or losing someone they love, a scary diagnosis, loss of a job, problems and worries about their kids, estranged or challenging relationships with relatives, battling weight, aging, and appearance issues, and simply feeling stuck in a life that they simply do not want to live in anymore. The Buddha said, “To Live is To Suffer” and that we can only find peace, contentment and joy by realizing our own suffering and knowing that everyone else has their own suffering. When we accept that we are all in the same boat, sharing the same human experience this should move us towards compassion towards everyone we meet and come in contact with and of course those we love. Everyone could use more compassion. So when you are driving, walking or running by them remember that each one of those homes has some pain, and some joy and hundreds of stories
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This is an excerpt and the key is practice:
Practice 1 The only person you can change is you! You have 100% direct influence on how you behave, how you fill yourself with positive support such as spiritual or uplifting books, podcasts, blogs, Youtube, Ted Talks, short stories, and how you view the world. You are the circle of influence, the one person you can count on to change for the better. I know it would be so much easier if you could just change everyone else, and, I am sure you work on that a little bit every day. However, as you are well aware of, no one wants your good advice, your smart observations or correcting someone else’s behaviors, unless, of course, you are asked directly to do so. So today, put your energy into your own well being, self-improvement, self-acceptance and love yourself up a bit just to be sure you get some love at the start of your day. (And, if you don’t know how to do that…here is how: give yourself 3 compliments, write down 3 things you are grateful for and choose super healthy food to start your day, and put some time in your morning for a walk, yoga treadmill or the gym).
The body-mind connection is where every answer you are looking for is located: in your body, your gut or your core, whatever you wish to call it, When you are looking for answers from the smallest questions to the biggest questions, your answers are inside. BUT, you must practice being tuned in. These answers come as nudges, hints, ideas, and they wrestle with your “I should do this or that” constant internal conversations. Listening to you, your wants, desires, and intuitions is where you find your truth, your authenticity, your answers and your integrity and peace of mind. Start today with tuning in and paying attention and separating the endless programmed shoulds with What is true for me? What do I want? With practice, your ability to access your truth will be strengthened, resulting in more clarity, enthusiasm, and personal autonomy and authenticity.
