![I Don’t Love My Dog]()
May 25, 2019
My clients often share with me that they don’t know how to access their feelings or that their partner has a tough time sharing their feelings. Feelings are usually in the range of sad, mad, or glad and are different than our thoughts. ” I thought the movie was sad” is not a feeling it is a thought. “I was so sad when I watched the movie, tears were streaming down my face.” Your body first records feelings before your mind is aware of them. Try this exercise: “I don’t love my (and insert your pet’s name or a person’s name). See how that feels in your body. Now reverse this: “I love my pet or person’s name.” You can feel the difference in your body. Practice focusing on how your feelings are connected to your body. The body-mind connection is powerful. Often we hear about “the mind-body connection” but it is actually the reverse. Our body, our gut, our core is our operating system. It feeds our mind information 24/7 and is your most valuable resource. More on this in future posts.
May 22, 2019
Falling in love usually leads to wanting more and more: more time with your partner, more stability and that “living happily ever after” dream of being together forever. However, love is not enough when it comes to personal happiness and fulfillment.
“No partnership of equals — that is, no truly satisfying partnership — can be complete without each partner recognizing and respecting in the other a sense of purpose beyond the relationship, a contribution to the world that reflects and advances that person’s deepest values and most impassioned dreams, in turn adding creative, intellectual, and spiritual fuel to the shared fire of the relationship.” (Cinderalla Liberator by Rebecca Solnit and Arthur Rackham).
May 19, 2019
As women we do a lot for other people sometimes to the detriment of our own joy and well-being. Sacrifice is involved: sacrifice of our time, our free will and our feelings. If what you want to do today is go to the gym, shop a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe even take a nap, if you have a to-do list a mile long, family and friends who need your attention, then that is most likely not going to happen. Doing things for other people often requires sacrifice. That can feel difficult, obligatory, create low energy and often result in a backlash of resentment.
However, doing something kind for someone else is a conscious choice and the immediate payback for you is not resentment, but joy. When we intend to be kind to someone it is not an act of sacrifice or dependency, but a transaction where each person involved feels a surge of happiness! That is a win-win for both and does not involve obligation, “the shoulds” and is free of resentment. Doing something for someone out of the kindness and willingness of your heart is not co-dependent, in fact, it is independent of anyone else’s needs. Being kind and thoughtful towards another person will give you more energy, a smile on your face and brighten your heart.
![I Don’t Love My Dog]()
May 13, 2019
“Natural Intelligence is always accessible to us. When we’re not caught in the trap of hope and fear, we intuitively know what’s the right thing to do. If we’re not obscuring our intelligence with anger, self-pity, or craving, we know what will help and what will make things worse.” (Taking The Leap, by Pema Chodron, pg5. Kindle). When we move out of fear and listen to our core self, our gut and heart we always know the right thing to do. Sometimes it takes some time, to sift through all the shoulds to get to what is actually true for you.
Feb 14, 2019
Living your life without anger and resentment starts with recognizing your choice in the matter. As women, we are relationship focused, meaning we often like to do things for others, whether that is for our family members, friends or co-workers. We do a lot of “shoulds” as it is expected of us to give, to be there for others and to be other focused. Shoulds can mean feeling obligated, that this is something you have to do (to be a good girl, mom, wife, friend, etc.) And, when we do things we are expected to do, there can be a backlash of resentment which may look like this;
“I do not know why I agreed I would be in charge of the food for our office party, I have no time and I will get stuck with the bill as half my co-workers will forget to pay me back.”
“Why is it I am the one who does all the grocery shopping and keeps this home clean?”
“Why did I tell John and Carol they could stay with us next weekend, I am swamped at work and have no time to get ready for them?”
In these situations, you said Yes to something you did not have 100% buy into. You said yes because you are good at organizing and no one else in the office can do it as well, You said yes to grocery shopping and keeping your home clean because that is “just what women do” and no one else in the home will do it, you said yes to your friends coming for the weekend because you didn’t want to tell them no as it might hurt their feelings and you had invited them to come stay with you sometime.
But, every yes is an automatic no to something else in your life. No, to your own free time or your time to relax, doing something that serves you instead of others. These “shoulds” and yes’s can backlash into resentment (which is aged anger). But, when you learn to make a choice based on what is true for you, for what you want to do, not meeting others expectations then you are at choice point. And, when you live your life at choice, you have buy-in, enthusiasm, more energy and zero resentment. When you learn to stop doing all those shoulds, you gain mastery over your own life, you steer your life in the direction you want to go and the result is a happier, honest and more refreshed you!
Jan 2, 2019
There are days we wake up and our day is already off to a bad start. We can wake up irritated, sad, angry, lonely. Sometimes we know just what circumstance caused this, other times we can’t find any evidence of why we feel this way, it could be simply our bodies, hormones, biorhythms, lack of a good night’s sleep. Nevertheless, waking up feeling anger and resentment is not a great way to start your day. Here are five ways you can begin to move out of these disturbing feelings:
1. See if you are out of integrity somewhere, that there was something you did or didn’t follow through on that is nagging you. This information is stored in your core -your gut. You can feel when you are out of alignment with your beliefs and behaviors. If you find the place where you are in fact out of integrity which is generating these negative emotions, then plan a course of action to address this. For instance, if this has to do with a relationship, maybe you need to make a sincere apology if you let someone down, or were brisk or rude, and apologizing starts the cleanup and is your fast track to feeling better again.
2. If you broke an agreement with yourself, such as you were really, really going on your diet yesterday but ate two bowls of ice cream after dinner, this could be disturbing as you feel shame and anger at yourself. At this point, you simply acknowledge that this is familiar and “here I am again.” And, then move on to recommit to your diet. Staying guilty or verbally beating yourself up does nothing to move you out of resentment or anger. Moving on in a new positive direction with positive self-talk puts you back on the right path.
3. Writing down 10 things (or more) you are grateful for and then close your eyes and think of each one separately until you have a smile on your face. Re-aligning what is most important to us can overcome the anger and resentment we can get stuck in.
4. And finally, find your choice point. “How did I do this to me?” We all make choices all day long in our lives. Choices in our relationships, whether to have children, to buy a house, to have pets, to run a marathon, to take a new position at work. And, when we make those choices we must accept ALL the consequences that come from those choices, positive and negative. When we wake up angry or resentful that our partner isn’t paying enough attention to us, our children keep waking us up at night, our home is out of order and there is a ton of laundry to do, training for the marathon is exhausting, and your new boss at work is awful, you must remind yourself that you did this to you. These results were from your choices. And when you find your choice point, you can take accountability and even get the joke of it, that you are blaming everyone around you for the choices you made. When you find your choice points ask yourself if you had it to do over again would you choose differently? Do you need to change course now? Is it possible? Or do you move out of the victim powerless position of blame, being angry and resentful by realizing this is your life, you made the choices and now it is time to own that and find the good your day has to offer.
