Feeling lonely is becoming an epidemic even with all our connecting via social media and phones. Feeling lonely is one of our deepest and most troubling emotions. When we do not have close intimate relationships, friendships or close family ties we suffer from wondering what our purpose is in life, who values our existence, where do we belong and who do we belong to. We have five basic emotional needs we seek every day of our lives in order to feel good and they are: To feel loved, valued, respected, capable and that we belong.
Loneliness can be deadly: this according to former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, among others, who has stressed the significant health threat. Loneliness has been estimated to shorten a person’s life by 15 years, equivalent in impact to being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes per day. A recent study revealed a surprising association between loneliness and cancer mortality risk, pointing to the role loneliness plays in cancer’s course, including responsiveness to treatments. (Scientific American By Claire Pomeroy on
How do we overcome our loneliness? All of us can experience feeling lonely at times in our lives. If we move away from friends or family, or if they move away from us, if we are in a new job, new school, going through a relationship break up, being ill, or losing someone we love for example. These are all times in our lives we can feel detached and lonely. These situations usually will pass in time, but feelling lonely when your life appears to be a good one results in a chronic disconnection that is harmful to our mental and physical health, not to mention our spirit.
The good news is you can take action in order to ward off chronic loneliness, there are 3 paths to connection and building close relationships.
Begin the “dating” process: Take notice of people you work with or live by, or any group situation you frequent; gyms, churches, yoga classes, any classes you may be taking, etc. If you see someone who seems like someone interesting to you, or friendly, reach out and start a conversation. Do not wait for anyone to reach out to you. After you get past some friendly hellos and light conversations, invite them for coffee, or invite two or three people. Sometimes meeting new people in twos or more is less intimate and more comfortable at first. It spreads the conversation around. If you enjoyed your conversation, follow up with contact info and ask them “out” again. Don’t rush it, do pace yourself, but youdo the inviting. DO NOT WAIT TO BE INVITED, people don’t seem to be big inviters these days, but they do seem to say yes to an invitation. So “date” your new acquaintance, the more you meet with them. the more comfortable it gets.
Volunteer or join many groups. If you volunteer where there are less fortunate people such as food banks, hospitals, non-profits or charities you will feel better as you are doing good for others and at the same time meeting other volunteers. Already you are sharing common interests. Schools in your community are great places to volunteer-helping kids read, write, supervising playgrounds, being a mentor. There are community groups who need you with a lot of opportunities to be of service such as your Rotary, Lions and Kiwanis clubs. There may be Boys and Girls Clubs looking for volunteers and other youth programs. You will feel lonely if you stay home- that is a 100% predictable result of isolating. So, set a goal, maybe a few baby steps but at least begin connecting outside of your home.
Moms who do not work outside of the home are often lonely. There are lots of mom groups to join, and sometimes Facebook or Meet Up has local groups who are available with a few key search words. If you are at the other end of the spectrum and are retired,consider getting a part-time job where you would enjoy meeting people. This is, of course, an option if you do not want to volunteer or join clubs.
HOWEVER, the best thing you can do no matter what your circumstance is to be the inviter! Stop waiting for anyone to reach out to you. You must be that person who reaches out. Pace your self, no need to feel desperate or needy, just a simple invite to meet someone to coffee or even lunch or to take a walk. It can be awkward at first, you are going to feel uncomfortable (part of taking risks is the “groan zone’) but moving through the discomfort leads to connection and connecting leads to friendships.
I would love to hear any suggestions you have to move out of loneliness and to get connected. There are 7.53 billion people on the planet, I am sure you can find some new friends where ever you live. We have more in common than not, it just takes some time and effort to find out.
Life is the thing you bring with you inside your own head (author Sally Rooney, Normal People).
Think about it, we are the ones who bring meaning to our lives. There is no meaning outside of our own minds and hearts. Everything we experience is from our insides-it is not out there. For example: you hear ambulance and fire truck sirens close to your home, Your daughter just left your home and you are anxious that maybe she was involved in an accident. You start to get more worried even when you attempt to calm yourself down with some rational thoughts; she is probably fine, don’t worry. But, you are still anxious enough to call her to see if she is okay. And, thankfully, she is and those sirens had nothing to do with her.
At this point, your thoughts are relieved and you continue on to whatever it was you were doing. A car accident is a neutral event; simply two large heavy machines colliding into the same space, resulting in a car wreck. What does bring meaning to this collision is YOU. If it was your car and you were in the accident, you may be dealing with injuries, insurance companies, the police, perhaps, even deaths. If this collision involves anyone you care about it can result in emotional turmoil, loss and grief. This is no longer just two machines occupying the same space. This is your life!
We bring meaning to our life, we are the ones who have an emotional attachment and response to those we love, to our homes, our work, our planet, every aspect of our lives. But to others who have no idea who we are, we are a neutral event-neither here nor there, not even really existing. We create all the meaning, interpretations, our beliefs and values, our preferences, our opinions ALL OF IT. There is no inherent value in the world out there, only how we experience it.
This means you have the power to choose! Your self talk, your reaction, how you hold your life’s circumstances. You are constantly talking to your self inside your mind, you can redirect your self-talk, you can soothe yourself, you can put a new frame on any of the content in your life. Build that muscle, it takes practice.
Always on your team,
Gail
If you want personal coaching check me out on the Psychology Today at the 98065 Zip code Click: Psychology Today Website
Our life is the result of the choices we make. We choose our state of being, attitude and frame of reference. If we hold others accountable for our life then we have to wait for them to change before we can change our life. (Nathaniel Branden)
When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice. (Together is Better by Simon Sinek).
Do you value advice? Or do you only feel criticized when someone who cares about you gives you advice, keeping in mind their intention is often to support you? I know I have been closed-minded and resistant to unsolicited advice. And, I also know that the advice, whether wanted or not, got me thinking and I either realize that the advice was spot on (even though I didn’t like it) or it did not fit for me and I categorized it as not true for me. Therefore I stay my chosen course. Or, the advice rummages around in me and I take it and begin to make some changes.
Many times when a friend, family, partner, or co-worker gives you their opinion or advice, it can be about changing you into who they want you to be, to satisfy them, but it doesn’t fit for you. Being an open learner means listening to advice (unwanted or not) and then thoughtfully considering if this advice really is in your best interests (not theirs).
Many cultures (not typically white Western US peeps) respect and value parents’ and grandparents’ guidance and advice and even who their parents choose for them to marry. This is something most Westerners reject as they strive for independence and search for autonomy, distancing themselves from their parents. However, many non-Western friends I have, often value and respect their parents’ advice while raising children, in their marriages, financial life, and health and well being.
Is it possible that those with more life experiences, longer lives and having lived through many decades may, in fact, have valuable advice to give? Many cultures think so! Is it possible that friends or co-workers who have gotten married, had babies, struggled with health problems, been through divorces, addiction or financial struggles may, in fact, have some good advice to share?
Maybe those who care about us the most, who have our best interests in mind: our family and friends and many of our co-workers have in fact some good advice that will improve our lives and help us on your own path. Maybe if we didn’t meet their advice with a shield to defend ourselves, but instead remained open to feedback (solicited or unsolicited) we could indeed learn something of value.
Again When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice. (Together is Better by Simon Sinek).
Are you open? When a store or restaurant is open, it obviously means that you can come in and satisfy your need to shop or dine and often you are served. The door is open, all you do is walk-in. When a store or restaurant is closed you can not gain entry, you do not get your wants and needs met, you are not served and you may even feel stuck, as you really wanted what was in that business. How does this apply to your life?
Are you an open learner? An open book? Open to feedback? Open to new opportunities and risks? Open to failure? Open to imperfection? Open to new relationships, experiences, ideas, concepts, and beliefs?
When you live as an open learner as opposed to a closed learner, you will receive so much more of what life has to give. Closed learners are not open to anyone’s suggestions (maybe only a select few who agree with their ideas and beliefs), no one can tell them anything as they already know it all and have a resulting fixed mindset. They are not explorers, they are often righteous, closed-minded and critical to any other beliefs but their own.
That is the path of living without risk, and only through risk can we learn and grow. Otherwise, we stay put and limit our possibilities and potential to challenge our beliefs and opinions in order to expand. When we allow expansion, we get “bigger” and more well informed. We embrace diversity, our differences, and each other’s individual challenges and paths. We often gain more empathy and sympathy. Living open-minded with an open mindset is about letting life walk in, teach you some lessons and assist you in a life of growth, curiosity and opportunity.
Living close-minded, with a closed mindset, is shutting out anything and everything that you do not believe for yourself and living with an “I know” attitude instead of “I don’t know, but I am curious and want to know even more.”
Observe if you are open today? What new thought, belief, concept. or subject (such as nature, science, history, social issues, climate change, nutrition, politics, novels, non-fiction reads, documentaries would be interesting to explore that you hadn’t before?) What new people could you meet at work today or in your life? I know that I have shut myself down to my own closed mindset around many unfamiliar topics and I, also, know when I allow myself to be open, more gets in and I gain so much more! I have more connection, life looks more interesting and I am stimulated and I grow!
Practice 4:UNPLUG! Store those devices away from you, turn the TV or radio off. Listen to the quiet, listen for birds, dogs barking, cars going by, people talking. Take a good look at your surroundings and appreciate all that you can as you take in your environment. Let your senses have a break from texting, social media, the news, your favorite show. Just unplug even if it’s 15 or 20 minutes a day (the longer the better!).
My Buddhist friend attended a 10-day silent retreat. Now get this, she did not talk to anyone, including a roommate she was with, no phone, no computer, no electronics at all. AND, no books, no reading, no writing. Simply BEING. There was group meditating, breathing, sleeping, breathing, being present, breathing, being in the moment. She reported it was the most miraculous experience! Her dreams were more vivid, her mind settled and calm, she felt transformed and filled with love.
Unplug every day for at least 20 minutes if not more and see how your life is when you focus somewhere other than your devices. The people in your life you spend time with, your spouse and kids and friends will also love this!
When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice.
Are you open? When a store or restaurant is open, it obviously means that you can come in and satisfy your need to shop or dine and often you are served. The door is open, all you do is walk-in. When a store or restaurant is closed you can not gain entry, you do not get your wants and needs met, you are not served and you may even feel stuck, as you really wanted what was in that business. How does this apply to your life?
