![Perfection or Progress?]()
Nov 1, 2019
Many of us are programmed from early childhood to achieve and to succeed. How many times do we ask children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Just ask any Senior in high school how many times they are asked, “What are you going to do after high school? Did you choose a career?” We are programmed to achieve and often pressured to excel to have a competitive edge over everyone else. This type of social conditioning can manifest into perfectionist thinking. Perfectionist thinking results in setting personal goals that often cannot be achieved all the time. And, what do we think of ourselves when we don’t achieve our goals? We think less of ourselves, we feel shame, maybe embarrassment and we can feel guilty. Our self-esteem can plummet and our self-talk can beat us up. For women especially, think of your relationship with the bathroom scales as a prime example of struggling to achieve perfection.
A far healthier option is to strive for progress, not perfection. Progress can be measured with a mindset that witnesses success AND falling short. Progress says to oneself; I am working on my health, I wm working on improving my career path by going to school, learning new skills, asking for a promotion. having a great work ethic, etc. Progress says; I am a work in progress, I will never reach perfection, as no one can or does. But, every day that I wake up I can progress in being a better person, spouse, parent, friend, or employee. I may end up taking a few steps back, however, I have made progress.
Another example of this is the mindset of recovery–people count the days of sobriety but then beat themselves up when they relapse. They even go so far as saying this has wiped out all those days living alcohol/drug-free. This is perfection in action. Progress is celebrating every day you were living a sober life and then acknowledging you took some steps backward from your goal of clean living. Progress is motion, learning, regrouping and getting back on the horse.
Personally, I strive to eat a meatless diet. My goal is to fight the incredible inhumane and cruel industry of raising animals for food by not using my consumer dollars for eating animal products as food. I, also, believe it is healthier for my body to focus on plants first and to avoid consuming any meat or poultry, eggs, and dairy. I have a very strong belief and commitment to that goal. And, there are times I find myself choosing meat or dairy, I choose those with my eyes wide open. I make the choice even when it goes against my primary belief system. Does this negate all the days I was meat-free? Does it make me a fraud? Maybe from a perfectionist perspective, it does. But, from a progress perspective, I am succeeding 90% of the time when i make a non-animal food choice. That is progress. That is not perfection.
Take a look at the areas in your life that you strive for perfection. Wouldn’t it serve you to instead strive for progress? To embrace and celebrate every moment your choices line up with your goals instead of focusing on the times you don’t reach the mark you set? No one is perfect, you know this, isn’t it time you change your thinking and, perhaps, even the expectations you put onto others? Love to hear how this applies to you!
![Perfection or Progress?]()
Aug 30, 2019
Women feel their partners and kids expect them to manage everything most of the time. Not only can they manage the daily domestic “to-dos”, along with 
no job, part-time or full-time jobs, they also are expected to plan menus, shop for groceries, plan vacations, pack everyone’s bags, manage all the details of every holiday or birthday party or just about any event. There is a notion that women can infinitely expand-that their capacity to handle and cope with every situation and experience is expected and often expected without outside help; whether from their family, friends or even hiring professionals such as a house cleaner or caterer for an event one is hosting.
The exhaustion women can feel when they are asked to keep expanding their capacity to give is real and the fall out is resentment. Resentment of those they love the most. No, you can not infinitely expand. No, a woman can not carry what is expected of her without fatigue and burn out. Women have a finite amount of energy and time in any given 24 hour period.
Women what can you do? Say no more often, set boundaries, make a plan for “me time, to fill your cup”, ask for help, ask for help ask for help. Too many times a woman won’t do that as she doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, asking for what you want does increase your chances of getting it by 200%.
You are finite. The answer is no you can not infinitely expand. Accept this without shame, guilt or the dose of should’s that invade your self-talk. Time to occupy your finite self without guilt or shame. And, kiss yourself on the forehead for all you do.
Aug 14, 2019
“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let out true selves be seen.” Brene Brown
“Authenticity requires a certain measure of vulnerability, transparency, and integrity.” Janet Louise Stephenson
Jul 20, 2019
When you say yes to someone or something, you automatically say no to something else in your life. Be careful to look at the automatic no when you agree to do something. For example,.if you say yes to being on a committee, volunteering, taking a class or simply doing someone a favor, all of which are worthwhile situations to say yes to, you automatically say no to being home more and possibly relaxing, binging you favorite Netflix, reading a good book, exercising, hanging with friends or famiy, having flexibility on that day (as you now have something scheduled). Before saying yes to anything, take a good look at the automatic “no’s” that come with it. Make sure it is really a yes that works in your best interests.
Jul 16, 2019
Dr. Phil said, “when you chose the behavior, you choose the consequences.” At first this seems like an easy concept to grasp and agree with. But, let’s look deeper.
Every choice you make generates hundreds maybe thousands maybe millions of outcomes. Many of those outcomes or results or situations are negative, painful, hurtful, and can even ruin your entire life. And, what is more annoying is most of our choices are made like this, It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let’s look at some choices and then think about all the possible outcomes, from the positive to the worst case scenarios.
- Dating
- Marriage
- Having children
- Driving a car
- Being hired for a job
- Using drugs/alcohol
- Eating
- Traveling
- Going to school
- Launching a business
- Staying home
- Participating in a sport
- Choosing a hair stylist
- Spending money
And, of course, we make hundreds of choices all day long from small to big. When something turns out negatively; we get in a car crash, our children are disrespectful, our partner cheats on us, our washing machine floods our floor, etc. When these things happen we do not see our choice point in all of this. We quickly go into victim. “Why me?”. “Why is this happening to me?” “What am I going to do now?” “This is not fair!”, etc. But, here is the thing, when you chose the behavior, when you make a choice, which you do all the time, whether it feels like a choice or not, every outcome YOU HAD TO DO WITH. You get in a car crash (which was not your fault) you chose to drive and be on the road. Your partner cheats on you-you chose that partner and to be in a relationship. Your kids are driving you nuts? You chose to have kids (“No I didn’t, my pregnancy was unplanned”) Hmm, I wonder what choice you made (planned or unplanned) that could result in pregnancy?
There are some circumstances in life we did not choose-cancer diagnosis or disease, being raped or a victim of a crime, a natural disaster for example. Our choice point there is how we are going to cope and heal from this tragedy?
Owning all your life circumstances, searching for the silver lining, reframing the circumstance into something meaningful to you, means that you are on the path to an empowered life. That you are in charge of your life. That, yes, there are waves but you are learning to surf. This is not easy, nor is it the norm. (The norm is to be a victim, whine, complain, be disappointed, angry and resentful when life doesn’t go our way).
Step out of the victim mentality and instead chose to have the courage to own, embrace and learn from every choice you make.
Jul 5, 2019
The key to living life from an empowered position, instead of a victim position Is finding and taking ownership of your choice points. In each moment we have hundreds of choices but we so often are unconscious about realizing this is the truth. For instance, the choice you are making at this moment is to read these words. What other choices could you be making? You could, choose to read something else, or take a walk, prepare something to eat, talk or text on the phone, jump up and down on the couch, find scissors and cut your hair off, sing, do 20 jumping jacks… you get my point. While this can sound a bit ridiculous it is true that the choice to read this blog at this moment seemed like the only choice at the time you could make, as it was the choice you made. We so conveniently forget that every moment of life with every choice we make is OUR choice, the one we chose. So, if it is true we are making choices every second isn’t it also true we should take accountability for the outcome?
The little test you can try is to say to yourself. “Did someone have a gun pointed at my head?” Because if they did your choices got very narrow. And, of course, the choices we make every given second are most likely not with a gun to our heads. We freely and willingly make our choices. When we feel like we are victims in our situations we can say, instead of, “poor me”, “How did I do this to me?” You might say, “I hate this stupid Seattle traffic!!” Blame puts you immediately in the victim position (something or someone is persecuting you, you feel disempowered). Moving out of victim you say “How did I do this to me? I chose to live in Seattle, drive a car and the reality is, there is almost always traffic.” I mean you could choose to move to Wyoming and live on the prairie. The point is when we look at life through the lens of ownership of all our choices and all the possible outcomes, we live an empowered non-victim lifestyle and more rewarding lifestyle. More on this….
