Dear You-What you think and who you are really does matter
Dear Stella, (and so many Women),
You are a beautiful, strong, and smart woman. You also are a loving and devoted wife, mom and loyal daughter to your dad (especially since the passing of your mom). You have created a warm and safe home for your kids to grow up in and now you are an elementary teacher, impacting the lives of all those little guys who are just beginning their trek into their school years.
What strikes me as interesting, is when you come into sessions with me, you often are unsure of how to act or behave in certain situations with your family and friends. You often apologize when you share your thoughts and feelings with me. You seem to discount yourself, as if what you have to say doesn’t have meaning, or that you aren’t sure if you are saying “the right” things. I find it interesting, as accomplished as you are, that you doubt your wants and needs and your self worth. I see you as an in great physical shape, a beautiful kind woman, who not only manages to run five miles every day, but, you visit your dad every day since your mom passed, and you go to the grocery to keep the kitchen stocked for your dad and your own family, and you prepare meals for your family plus you work full time taking care of 25 students. That is some amazing work there, a labor of love for sure.
And, yet you say, “I didn’t even know I had my own truth inside, I was so used to trying to be the daughter my parents raised, the wife I thought I should be, the mom I thought I should be, the good Christian woman I thought I should be, I never thought I actually had my own beliefs and values and wants.” I was so surprised that at 50 you did not know this.
Deep inside of you, there is a core, a place I call home. We are all unique essences, there is no one on this planet of 6 plus billion people, who is you, has ever been you or will ever be you. You were born with your own unique truths, talents, preferences, and DNA, and your one and only authentic job is to express who you are, not who someone else thinks you should be.
As you have moved through your childhood, you gathered more beliefs about the world, values/morals, opinions and beliefs about yourself-often self-limited such as “I can’t do math, I am too fat, I am not lovable, I am not capable, etc.” These self-limiting beliefs can hold you back, have you doubting yourself and second guessing your self. I am here to tell you all your truth is already inside you, as are your beliefs and values. If you make a choice or a decision, you either make that choice lined up with your core beliefs and values, or you walk away from them. And, when you walk away from them you will feel a backlash of negative emotions such as anxiety, fear, doubt, guilt, sadness, or some form of a negative backlash. This is because you sold yourself out to someone else’s beliefs and values, maybe your pastors, or husbands or parents or friends. But, when you only make choices that come from your beliefs and values you will feel lined up, energized and have enthusiasm and a sense of calm and peace. You will feel centered, and authentic and have more self-respect.
This is not an easy journey but it begins at any time that you set your mind to listen to your core self, listen to your mind and heart, before you make a choice, become agreeable or decide any action. Think first, “What do I want?” Not, “what should I do”, then respectfully choose. Your choice may anger your husband, your friends and/or your family because they most likely want you to do something that pleases them, meets their expectations. But, doing what others want to please them when it does not please you, will result in resentment. And, those resentments can build, and grow for years and years. Anger, is aged resentment. Some women have built up years of resentment in their primary relationships because they walked away from their true Self to accommodate and please everyone else. They are so angry at their spouses or kids because they have suppressed their true wants and desires for others. Or, maybe you have stayed at a job you did not like, but felt stuck and didn’t leave which resulted in years of resentment. We have many circumstances in our lives that can leave us feeling like victims, blaming others for our lives and not taking any accountability for the role we play in those circumstances.
You can live an empowered life, a conscious life without resentment. It starts with trusting your core self, your own truth, sharing your own experience, what is true for you, even when it is not a popular truth. Perhaps, you are at a meeting and you hear an idea presented that you think is ridiculous, but you decide since everyone else seems to favor it you will keep your mouth shut. You leave the meeting thinking “what is wrong with those people? Can’t they see this will only make things worse?” You become resentful and blame the others for their opinions. But, if that scene could be re-played, and you said, “I have to disagree, I don’t think this is a good idea and here is why. While I can see your viewpoint, I just do not see it that way.” You had the courage to speak up, use your voice, contribute to the conversation and stay true to yourself. You will most likely walk away feeling more at peace even if the rest of the participants proceed with the decision you did not like, because you shared your truth, took ownership and you also understood you got vetoed by the majority. Will you be resentful? You might feel like you are still in a blaming mood. Or, you will think, “I spoke my mind, now we will see how it goes.” Maybe you will feel skeptically curious but not resentful.
Not every situation in life can be handled with staying true to yourself, as sometimes we need to tell a white lie or go along with something because it is the right thing to do. I call these the “shoulds.” Some people spend their entire lives doing only the shoulds instead of speaking up, and this is the fast track to losing your authentic self as you are always in a state of being agreeable to others instead of yourself. But, there are times one has to do a should. For example, let’s say your in laws are coming into town and you are dreading their arrival. Your truth is this, “I do not like my mother in law and I am already getting in a bad mood just thinking she is coming to visit. My father in law is ok, but all he does is take over the TV and watches Fox news and barely ever engages in conversation.” You could tell your husband, “In no way shape or form do I want your parents in our home.” Which may very well be your truth. However, you have another belief in your core, which is, “To be fair, I should be welcoming and nice to these people as they are my husband’s parents, and they kind of came with the marriage.” This is when you chose the “should.” And choosing your shoulds means choosing them 100%, without blame and resentment. Not making your husband pay for this later, or complaining more about his parents or telling him he owes you something in return. Instead, you take ownership of all your choices, and since you chose the should, then chose with buy in. This keeps you living in integrity, it keeps you living consciously and at choice.
This is not an easy journey, making every choice with a “to thine own self be true” position, especially since you have typically focused on everyone else around you getting their needs met. But, once you live your life consciously and awake, learning to say yes and no, you will begin the journey of increased self esteem and confidence and you will love more and resent less.
