The Shoulds are always at the top of the list. As natural caretakers, nurturers, planners, home supervisors and connectors, women can feel burdened making sure just about everyone they care about receives their support and love. And giving all that love and care can be exhausting and can feel like a burden as their role is to give and give and give, sometimes thanklessly and often on demand.

Just in the last month this is what women have been up to that I personally know:

• Nursing a husband 24/7 from a surgery.
• Making weekly trips to care for an elderly father who lives alone.
• Planning grocery lists and packing for the entire family in order to go camping, vacationing, or a weekend getaway.
• Preparing classrooms to go back to school and adjusting to virtual teaching as well as preparing their own children to be at home with them.
• Taking care of grandchildren so their parents can get a break.
• Leaving an unhealthy and destructive relationship which results in heartbreak since that was NOT the way it was supposed to go, but having the courage to move on and begin again,
• Women wrestling with the fear that they will not find the love of their life while their biological time clock is ticking away.
• A woman running off to spontaneously marry the love of her life.
• Moms having their adult children tell them you ruined my life while you were raising me or some form of this (this has happened to two good friends, whom I personally know were FABULOUS parents, so this has broken their hearts).
• Women catering more to their husband’s needs now that they have both retired.
• A mother stressed that their single parent daughter who takes care of her special needs child needs their support both emotionally and financially,
• A mom (ok, this is me) working on thousands of pictures taken over the last 45 years that needed to be organized and sorted and put on the cloud to share with her family (a legacy project and who else would do this)?
• Women running their own businesses that are often steps away from failing due to COVID,
• Women following through on often nasty treatments to live longer lives to fight their cancer so they can still be here to care for their kids.
• Women attending to sick spouses who had COVID.
• Women raising young kids 24/7 with little relief since COVID keeps most near home without the typical outlets.

Of course, there are endless situations women are coping with, loving and supporting their families, often being undervalued or even blatantly disrespected from the ones they love the most. However, the women I know look to see where they have created this, where they can place blame on themselves to see if they need to change. The women I know reach out to their girlfriends or professionals for support, and they keep hanging in there, they don’t leave, they don’t stop doing and caring and doing and caring, no matter the weight of their responsibilities, the demands put on them, their own sadness and disappointment when others have walked away or disappointed them. The women I know have endless courage, strength and perspective that keeps them front and center with all the people they care about and care for.

Women are my most favorite people on the planet. They literally keep the world going and if they can move into more influential roles with more power attached, I am quite confident that our world would be a much better place to live in. No doubt about it. I honor all of you and I see you, I respect all you do, and I love who you are.

Gail

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I received the book Untamed, by Glennon Doyle in the mail and I have no idea who sent me this beautiful gift. (If you did please let me know so I can say THANK YOU, this is such a beautiful book). Every page is yummy! I wanted to share this brilliant nugget with you below as this is something I teach and believe strongly in when working with women.

I’ve seen what happens out in the world and inside our relationships when women stay numb, obedient, quiet and small. Selfless women make for an efficient society but not a beautiful, true or just one. When women lose themselves, this world loses its way. We do not need more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world’s expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves. What we need are women who are full of themselves. A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done. She lets the rest burn. (Glennon Doyle, Untamed)

Where did all your beliefs about who you are, what you can achieve and the roles you are supposed to play in life come from? EVERYWHERE! Your parents, childhood, advertising, friends, co-workers, social media to name a few. When you show up every day expressing who you are, what matters to you, what brings you joy, you are then living a life of integrity and contribution. And, creating that space in your life immediately creates space for others to do the same. It’s a win-win.

Stay tuned for my newest class: High Functioning Relationships: the Five Absolutely Essential Steps to Even More Connection, Fun and Happiness! 5 one hour classes via zoom beginning July 7th. (email me at gail@gailmanahan.com for more info and to enroll)!

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Remember SHORT TERM PAIN=LONG TERM GAIN. This is not fun by any means;  staying home, not socializing and not being fully back in our lives. But, listening to the medical personnel PLEADING with us all to stay home, this is short term pain for all of us. However, they know more than anyone what is actually happening, the sick, the dying, those who make it. So, yes, this is not fun and it is restricting, especially income wise for those who have lost their income,  But, staying home will result in long term gain for all of us, or for all who are fortunate enough to live through this pandemic.

Hang in there, this too shall pass, it really really will.

If I can help you out, let me know!

Gail

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Loneliness can be deadly: this according to former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, among others, who has stressed the significant health threat. Loneliness has been estimated to shorten a person’s life by 15 years, equivalent in impact to being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes per day. A recent study revealed a surprising association between loneliness and cancer mortality risk, pointing to the role loneliness plays in cancer’s course, including responsiveness to treatments. (Scientific American By Claire Pomeroy on March 20, 2019).

How do we overcome our loneliness? All of us can experience feeling lonely at times in our lives. If we move away from friends or family, or if they move away from us, if we are in a new job, new school, going through a relationship break up, being ill, or losing someone we love for example. These are all times in our lives we can feel detached and lonely. These situations usually will pass in time, but feelling lonely when your life appears to be a good one results in a chronic disconnection that is harmful to our mental and physical health,  not to mention our spirit.

The good news is you can take action in order to ward off chronic loneliness, there are 3 paths to connection and building close relationships.

1.  Begin the “dating” process: Take notice of people you work with or live by, or any group situation you frequent; gyms, churches, yoga classes, any classes you may be taking, etc. If you see someone who seems like someone interesting to you, or friendly, reach out and start a conversation. Do not wait for anyone to reach out to you.  After you get past some friendly hellos and light conversations, invite them for coffee, or invite two or three people. Sometimes meeting new people in twos or more is less intimate and more comfortable at first. It spreads the conversation around. If you enjoyed your conversation, follow up with contact info and ask them “out” again. Don’t rush it, do pace yourself, but you do the inviting. DO NOT WAIT TO BE INVITED, people don’t seem to be big inviters these days, but they do seem to say yes to an invitation. So “date” your new acquaintance,  the more you meet with them. the more comfortable it gets.
2. Volunteer or join many groups. If you volunteer where there are less fortunate people such as food banks, hospitals, non-profits or charities you will feel better as you are doing good for others and at the same time meeting other volunteers. Already you are sharing common interests. Schools in your community are great places to volunteer-helping kids read, write, supervising playgrounds, being a mentor. There are community groups who need you with a lot of opportunities to be of service such as your Rotary, Lions and Kiwanis clubs. There may be Boys and Girls Clubs looking for volunteers and other youth programs. You will feel lonely if you stay home- that is a 100% predictable result of isolating. So, set a goal, maybe a few baby steps but at least begin connecting outside of your home.
3. Moms who do not work outside of the home are often lonely. There are lots of mom groups to join, and sometimes Facebook or Meet Up has local groups who are available with a few key search words.  If you are at the other end of the spectrum and are retired, consider getting a part-time job where you would enjoy meeting people. This is, of course, an option if you do not want to volunteer or join clubs.

HOWEVER, the best thing you can do no matter what your circumstance is to be the inviter! Stop waiting for anyone to reach out to you. You must be that person who reaches out. Pace your self, no need to feel desperate or needy, just a simple invite to meet someone to coffee or even lunch or to take a walk. It can be awkward at first, you are going to feel uncomfortable (part of taking risks is the “groan zone’) but moving through the discomfort leads to connection and connecting leads to friendships.

I would love to hear any suggestions you have to move out of loneliness and to get connected. There are 7.53  billion people on the planet, I am sure you can find some new friends where ever you live.   We have more in common than not, it just takes some time and effort to find out.

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Life is the thing you bring with you inside your own head (author Sally Rooney, Normal People).

Think about it, we are the ones who bring meaning to our lives. There is no meaning outside of our own minds and hearts. Everything we experience is from our insides-it is not out there. For example: you hear ambulance and fire truck sirens close to your home, Your daughter just left your home and you are anxious that maybe she was involved in an accident. You start to get more worried even when you attempt to calm yourself down with some rational thoughts; she is probably fine, don’t worry. But, you are still anxious enough to call her to see if she is okay. And, thankfully, she is and those sirens had nothing to do with her.

At this point, your thoughts are relieved and you continue on to whatever it was you were doing. A car accident is a neutral event;  simply two large heavy machines colliding into the same space, resulting in a car wreck. What does bring meaning to this collision is YOU. If it was your car and you were in the accident, you may be dealing with injuries, insurance companies, the police, perhaps, even deaths. If this collision involves anyone you care about it can result in emotional turmoil, loss and grief. This is no longer just two machines occupying the same space. This is your life!

We bring meaning to our life, we are the ones who have an emotional attachment and response to those we love, to our homes, our work, our planet, every aspect of our lives. But to others who have no idea who we are, we are a neutral event-neither here nor there, not even really existing. We create all the meaning, interpretations, our beliefs and values, our preferences, our opinions ALL OF IT. There is no inherent value in the world out there, only how we experience it.

This means you have the power to choose! Your self talk, your reaction, how you hold your life’s circumstances. You are constantly talking to your self inside your mind, you can redirect your self-talk, you can soothe yourself, you can put a new frame on any of the content in your life. Build that muscle, it takes practice.

Always on your team,

Gail

If you want personal coaching check me out on the Psychology Today at the 98065 Zip code Click:  Psychology Today Website

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When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice. (

Do you value advice? Or do you only feel criticized when someone who cares about you gives you advice, keeping in mind their intention is often to support you? I know I have been closed-minded and resistant to unsolicited advice.  And, I also know that the advice, whether wanted or not, got me thinking and I either realize that the advice was spot on (even though I didn’t like it) or it did not fit for me and I categorized it as not true for me.   Therefore I stay my chosen course. Or, the advice rummages around in me and I take it and begin to make some changes.

Many times when a friend, family, partner, or co-worker gives you their opinion or advice, it can be about changing you into who they want you to be, to satisfy them, but it doesn’t fit for you.  Being an open learner means listening to advice (unwanted or not) and then thoughtfully considering if this advice really is in your best interests (not theirs).

Many cultures (not typically white Western US peeps) respect and value parents’ and grandparents’ guidance and advice and even who their parents choose for them to marry. This is something most Westerners reject as they strive for independence and search for autonomy, distancing themselves from their parents. However, many non-Western friends I have, often value and respect their parents’ advice while raising children, in their marriages, financial life, and health and well being.

Is it possible that those with more life experiences, longer lives and having lived through many decades may, in fact, have valuable advice to give? Many cultures think so!  Is it possible that friends or co-workers who have gotten married, had babies, struggled with health problems, been through divorces, addiction or financial struggles may, in fact, have some good advice to share?

Maybe those who care about us the most, who have our best interests in mind: our family and friends and many of our co-workers have in fact some good advice that will improve our lives and help us on your own path. Maybe if we didn’t meet their advice with a shield to defend ourselves, but instead remained open to feedback (solicited or unsolicited) we could indeed learn something of value.

Again When we are closed to ideas, what we hear is criticism. When we are open to criticism, what we get is advice. (Together is Better by Simon Sinek).

Are you open?

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Are you an open learner? An open book? Open to feedback? Open to new opportunities and risks? Open to failure? Open to imperfection? Open to new relationships, experiences, ideas, concepts, and beliefs?

When you live as an open learner as opposed to a closed learner, you will receive so much more of what life has to give. Closed learners are not open to anyone’s suggestions (maybe only a select few who agree with their ideas and beliefs), no one can tell them anything as they already know it all and have a resulting fixed mindset. They are not explorers, they are often righteous, closed-minded and critical to any other beliefs but their own.

That is the path of living without risk, and only through risk can we learn and grow.  Otherwise, we stay put and limit our possibilities and potential to challenge our beliefs and opinions in order to expand.  When we allow expansion, we get “bigger” and more well informed. We embrace diversity, our differences, and each other’s individual challenges and paths. We often gain more empathy and sympathy. Living open-minded with an open mindset is about letting life walk in, teach you some lessons and assist you in a life of growth, curiosity and opportunity.

Living close-minded, with a closed mindset, is shutting out anything and everything that you do not believe for yourself and living with an “I know” attitude instead of “I don’t know, but I am curious and want to know even more.”

Observe if you are open today? What new thought, belief, concept. or subject (such as nature, science, history, social issues, climate change, nutrition, politics, novels, non-fiction reads, documentaries would be interesting to explore that you hadn’t before?) What new people could you meet at work today or in your life?  I know that I have shut myself down to my own closed mindset around many unfamiliar topics and I, also, know when I allow myself to be open, more gets in and I gain so much more! I have more connection, life looks more interesting and I am stimulated and I grow!

I teach what I most need to learn.

Warmly,

Gail

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Practice 4: UNPLUG! Store those devices away from you, turn the TV or radio off. Listen to the quiet, listen for birds, dogs barking, cars going by, people talking. Take a good look at your surroundings and appreciate all that you can as you take in your environment. Let your senses have a break from texting, social media, the news, your favorite show. Just unplug even if it’s 15 or 20 minutes a day (the longer the better!).

My Buddhist friend attended a 10-day silent retreat. Now get this, she did not talk to anyone, including a roommate she was with, no phone, no computer, no electronics at all. AND, no books, no reading, no writing. Simply BEING.  There was group meditating, breathing, sleeping, breathing, being present, breathing, being in the moment. She reported it was the most miraculous experience! Her dreams were more vivid, her mind settled and calm, she felt transformed and filled with love.

Unplug every day for at least 20 minutes if not more and see how your life is when you focus somewhere other than your devices. The people in your life you spend time with, your spouse and kids and friends will also love this!

The post 5 Essential Must Practice for a Happier Life: #4 appeared first on Gail A. Manahan.

I have been fortunate, blessed, lucky to have the life I have. Good health, a great marriage and family, so many friends and have had the means to experience a multitude of good times. The life I lead has been a combination of luck and making good choices and working hard and that I was born privileged (something I had no control over, I always find it interesting that people get all haughty that they were born white in the US as if there was something so special about them, instead of acknowledging the complete random circumstance of their birth).   I recognize daily that I am one of the few on the planet having the great life I do. I am saddened by the fires in Australia, angry about what our country started with Iran which resulted in the tragic result of the civilian plane crash, I am worried about global warming and its impact on every living entity on the planet. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with cancer and poor health problems, and with the grief of losing people and pets we love. There is so much to be sad and angry about in this world. And,  there is so much to be grateful for and so much beauty and love and goodness in the world. It is truly a cluster fuck of all that is bad mixed with all that is good. I don’t think human or animal life has been anything but this–joy and suffering combined.

As I look back on the good and fortunate life I have got to live for 64 years I am profoundly grateful. As, I look forward to the years ahead I realize suffering is always knocking at the door, so I open the window today to the joy, the blessings and all that is good at this moment in my life. I am well aware that everything changes, and that nothing is permanent. This moment as I write this is a joyful moment.  I am savoring it.

I am grateful for you, readers,  and I wish you open windows that bring love, good fortune and blessings into your life in 2020!

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