Feeling lonely is becoming an epidemic even with all our connecting via social media and phones. Feeling lonely is one of our deepest and most troubling emotions. When we do not have close intimate relationships, friendships or close family ties we suffer from wondering what our purpose is in life, who values our existence, where do we belong and who do we belong to. We have five basic emotional needs we seek every day of our lives in order to feel good and they are: To feel loved, valued, respected, capable and that we belong.
Loneliness can be deadly: this according to former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, among others, who has stressed the significant health threat. Loneliness has been estimated to shorten a person’s life by 15 years, equivalent in impact to being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes per day. A recent study revealed a surprising association between loneliness and cancer mortality risk, pointing to the role loneliness plays in cancer’s course, including responsiveness to treatments. (Scientific American By Claire Pomeroy on
How do we overcome our loneliness? All of us can experience feeling lonely at times in our lives. If we move away from friends or family, or if they move away from us, if we are in a new job, new school, going through a relationship break up, being ill, or losing someone we love for example. These are all times in our lives we can feel detached and lonely. These situations usually will pass in time, but feelling lonely when your life appears to be a good one results in a chronic disconnection that is harmful to our mental and physical health, not to mention our spirit.
The good news is you can take action in order to ward off chronic loneliness, there are 3 paths to connection and building close relationships.
- Begin the “dating” process: Take notice of people you work with or live by, or any group situation you frequent; gyms, churches, yoga classes, any classes you may be taking, etc. If you see someone who seems like someone interesting to you, or friendly, reach out and start a conversation. Do not wait for anyone to reach out to you. After you get past some friendly hellos and light conversations, invite them for coffee, or invite two or three people. Sometimes meeting new people in twos or more is less intimate and more comfortable at first. It spreads the conversation around. If you enjoyed your conversation, follow up with contact info and ask them “out” again. Don’t rush it, do pace yourself, but you do the inviting. DO NOT WAIT TO BE INVITED, people don’t seem to be big inviters these days, but they do seem to say yes to an invitation. So “date” your new acquaintance, the more you meet with them. the more comfortable it gets.
- Volunteer or join many groups. If you volunteer where there are less fortunate people such as food banks, hospitals, non-profits or charities you will feel better as you are doing good for others and at the same time meeting other volunteers. Already you are sharing common interests. Schools in your community are great places to volunteer-helping kids read, write, supervising playgrounds, being a mentor. There are community groups who need you with a lot of opportunities to be of service such as your Rotary, Lions and Kiwanis clubs. There may be Boys and Girls Clubs looking for volunteers and other youth programs. You will feel lonely if you stay home- that is a 100% predictable result of isolating. So, set a goal, maybe a few baby steps but at least begin connecting outside of your home.
- Moms who do not work outside of the home are often lonely. There are lots of mom groups to join, and sometimes Facebook or Meet Up has local groups who are available with a few key search words. If you are at the other end of the spectrum and are retired, consider getting a part-time job where you would enjoy meeting people. This is, of course, an option if you do not want to volunteer or join clubs.
HOWEVER, the best thing you can do no matter what your circumstance is to be the inviter! Stop waiting for anyone to reach out to you. You must be that person who reaches out. Pace your self, no need to feel desperate or needy, just a simple invite to meet someone to coffee or even lunch or to take a walk. It can be awkward at first, you are going to feel uncomfortable (part of taking risks is the “groan zone’) but moving through the discomfort leads to connection and connecting leads to friendships.
I would love to hear any suggestions you have to move out of loneliness and to get connected. There are 7.53 billion people on the planet, I am sure you can find some new friends where ever you live. We have more in common than not, it just takes some time and effort to find out.
